We Never Get a Raise!
Q:
I love my job, my co-workers, and my company’s relaxed
environment. However, the pay is low, and employees never get
raises, just occasional bonuses. Our CEO says "we couldn't do
it without you", but he makes no effort to reward employees.
This is hard to take, because we see a lot of
waste and many bad management decisions. The CEO has no problem
spending company money for his personal commute to New York.
I’ve thought
about leaving, but this job provides great experience in a
profession that I love. On the other hand, my husband and I are
barely scraping by. Any advice?
A:
Did
you know about this pay structure when you accepted the
position? If not, make a mental note to ask about compensation
before taking your next job.
Salary levels are determined largely by supply and demand. In
some desirable occupations, entry-level employees will accept
low pay just to get in the door, creating a buyer's market for
employers.
Unless management has trouble recruiting or retaining people,
the pay system is unlikely to change. So you need to view this
job as a stepping stone.
Before long, your experience with this stingy employer will
qualify you for better positions elsewhere. If you have
exceptional ability, your earnings will eventually match your
talents.
Meanwhile, as you clip coupons and forego vacations, be thankful
every day that you love your work, your colleagues, and the
company culture. Many better-paid people would trade places
with you.
Related information from Your Office Coach:
·
How to Ask for a Raise
from our Managing
Your Boss section
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My Dream Job Has Become a Nightmare!
Q:
For
the past two years, the law firm where I work as a paralegal has
had many problems. Going in every day is depressing, because
the hang-dog atmosphere radiates everywhere.
My immediate boss is under tremendous pressure
and treats his staff badly. His temper creates a great deal of
stress.
I think it may be time to move on. However, if
you have any suggestions for surviving here, I will try them.
This was my dream job, and I would deeply regret leaving.
A:
Before
making any rash decisions, consider two key questions. First,
how permanent is this downturn? If the adverse circumstances
reverse themselves, your dream job may reemerge from this
nightmare.
Second, could you
recreate your ideal job elsewhere? Appealing positions may
exist at other firms, so there’s no harm in exploring your
options.
To cope with the
current tensions, minimize the time you spend with cranky,
complaining colleagues. The inevitable emotional contagion will
only make you feel worse. Choose more cheerful companions for
breaks and lunch.
Focus all your
attention on work and try not to be distracted by the negative
vibes. Constantly remind yourself that your boss's grouchy
demeanor has nothing to do with you.
If you do decide
to depart, scrutinize prospective employers carefully. People
who desperately flee one toxic workplace sometimes find that
they have jumped right into another.
Related information from Your Office Coach:
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My Boss Has Stopped Talking to Me
Q: I forgot to do a task that my manager assigned. Now
he’s avoiding me completely. He either doesn’t talk to me at
all or communicates indirectly through other people. How should
I handle this situation?
A: Your
silly manager is pouting like an angry little child. It’s a
shame when the person in charge won’t act like a grown-up.
However, since he’s the boss, pointing that out would be
politically self-defeating.
Although I’m sure you’ve apologized already, he
apparently wants more, so bring up the subject one last time.
Tell him that you regret any problems caused by your omission,
ask if you can do anything to repair the situation, and assure
him that it won't ever happen again.
Then, if he continues to act like a six-year-old,
stop worrying about it. Just remain friendly and helpful and
act like nothing's wrong. If you ignore his sulky behavior,
he'll eventually return to normal.
Related information from Your Office Coach:
·
Ten Helpful Things to Say to Your Boss
from our “Managing
Your Boss” section
back to top
My Boss Keeps Preaching to Me
|
Q:
My boss is always trying to sell me on his
religion. I have no interest at all in
hearing about his beliefs. In fact, I find
his behavior offensive and inappropriate.
How should I handle this situation?
A:
That
really depends on how much risk you’re
willing to take. The safe approach is to
smile and nod until your manager finishes
talking, then switch to another topic.
A more daring response is to
politely say that you respect his religion,
but are committed to your own beliefs. If
he inquires about the nature of those
beliefs, simply state that, for you,
religion is a private matter. Then change
the subject. Quickly.
Complaining to HR or upper
management is the high-risk option. But
that risk may be worth taking if you sense
discrimination or are being pressured to
convert.
Employees should never be
made to feel that religious beliefs may
adversely affect their performance ratings
or career opportunities.
Related information from Your
Office Coach:
For
more questions about manager behavior, see
Questions about Bosses. |
|
Should I Complain About My Terrible Boss?
Q: For
the past six months, I have worked for a manager who is
unpleasant and unapproachable. When I asked to meet with her
recently, she told me to send an email instead.
In all this time, we have had only one real
conversation. That occurred because she was angry that I didn’t
tell her about a problem. I had tried to discuss it with her,
but she said she was busy and brushed me off.
When she finally heard about the situation, she
stormed into my office and verbally whipped me. I was stunned,
but I apologized and reminded her that I did try to talk with
her. She just continued with her tirade.
A friend
suggested that I talk with my boss's manager, but I don’t know
if that’s a good idea. Do I have to just suck it up because
she’s the boss, or is there something I can do?
A: Toxic
bosses present a difficult dilemma, because any attempt to
correct the situation may only make matters worse. Abusive
managers have no desire to hear about their flaws, so providing
constructive feedback is both pointless and risky.
One
option is to seek help from a more powerful ally, typically
someone in upper management or human resources. But if that
strategy fails, your boss can retaliate by making your life
miserable or damaging your career.
So
before approaching the higher-ups, you need to assess the
political climate. If you believe management will be
supportive, schedule a meeting to discuss your concerns. But if
not, then your best move may be to move on.
Related information from Your Office Coach:
·
How to Handle a Hothead Boss
from our “Managing Your Boss” section
Q: For
the past six months, I have worked for a manager who is
unpleasant and unapproachable. When I asked to meet with her
recently, she told me to send an email instead.
In all this time, we have had only one real
conversation. That occurred because she was angry that I didn’t
tell her about a problem. I had tried to discuss it with her,
but she said she was busy and brushed me off.
When she finally heard about the situation, she
stormed into my office and verbally whipped me. I was stunned,
but I apologized and reminded her that I did try to talk with
her. She just continued with her tirade.
A friend
suggested that I talk with my boss's manager, but I don’t know
if that’s a good idea. Do I have to just suck it up because
she’s the boss, or is there something I can do?
A: Toxic
bosses present a difficult dilemma, because any attempt to
correct the situation may only make matters worse. Abusive
managers have no desire to hear about their flaws, so providing
constructive feedback is both pointless and risky.
One
option is to seek help from a more powerful ally, typically
someone in upper management or human resources. But if that
strategy fails, your boss can retaliate by making your life
miserable or damaging your career.
So
before approaching the higher-ups, you need to assess the
political climate. If you believe management will be
supportive, schedule a meeting to discuss your concerns. But if
not, then your best move may be to move on.
Related information from Your Office Coach:
·
How to Handle a Hothead Boss
from our “Managing Your Boss” section
back to top
My Boss Gossips About Employees
Q:
My manager frequently talks to one of my coworkers, “Claire”,
about the performance problems of another employee.
I've told Claire that I think it's inappropriate
for our boss to be discussing this other employee with her.
Claire says she doesn't mind and that the manager views her as
a good resource.
I believe it is a poor business practice for a
boss to talk about one subordinate with another. My co-worker
is convinced she's helping, but I feel it’s wrong. What do you
think?
A:
I agree with you.
If your gossipy boss asked my opinion, I’d tell
her to stop. And if Claire asked my opinion, I'd suggest that
she tactfully discourage these confidences. However, neither
one of them is asking.
Having registered your views with Claire, your only remaining
option is to take the issue to your manager. But if she
interprets your helpful feedback as personal criticism, you
might eventually regret that decision.
Since you are not directly affected by these inappropriate
discussions, I suggest that you simply stop fretting about
them. And watch what you say to Claire. Since she’s apparently
repeating your manager’s private comments, she must be quite a
chatterbox.
Related information from Your Office Coach:
·
How to Complain to Your Boss
from our “Managing Your Boss” section
back to top
Help! I'm in Love with my Boss
Q: I am
a married woman who has fallen in love with my boss. He is also
married with kids. For about a year, we’ve been fighting a
strong attraction for each other.
Although we have tried to be professional and
disregard these feelings, the mutual attraction is hard to
ignore. We work together very closely, which makes things even
more difficult.
What can we do to put this behind us and move on
with our lives?
A: Workplace
attractions can be intense, because coworkers operate in a
self-contained little universe where they share goals,
successes, anxieties, and frustrations. They also have common
acquaintances and occasionally socialize together.
Add
physical chemistry to the mix and romantic fantasies are almost
inevitable. “Fantasy” is the operative word, however, because
office relationships evade real-world marital issues like
children, in-laws, housework, and money.
To keep your
daydreams from becoming reality, avoid
situations where you can easily yield to temptation. If the two
of you travel together, attend conferences, or join the gang for
happy hour, eventually you will succumb. Surging hormones are
hard to control.
Related information from Your Office Coach:
·
Handling Office Romances
from our “Office Politics” section
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I Have A Horrid Manager
Q: My
boss is rude and cruel. She makes fun of people, then laughs at
her own “cute” remarks. She loves to catch mistakes and
publicly reprimand employees.
When she wants to correct someone, she yells
loudly across the office. If you need help, she makes you
feel stupid just for asking a question.
This woman is despised by everyone. Although she
knows her job, she has no idea how to relate to people. But
she’s been here for 30 years and isn’t going anywhere.
I try to keep my distance and disappear if I see
her coming. But I’m still suffering from stress and depression
because of this situation. Please help.
A: Life
is much too short to be stressed and depressed every day.
Unless your nasty boss plans to retire soon, you need to get out
of there.
By
putting up with this tyrant for three decades, management is
tacitly endorsing her abusive style. So start looking for a
more professional workplace.
Begin
by taking some initial job-search steps. Update your resume,
make networking contacts, join a professional association.
Focusing on the future will remind you that your present
predicament is only temporary.
While
you’re there, try not to take the abuse personally. Since your
evil boss treats everyone badly, her critical commentary says
more about her than it does about you.
Related information from Your Office Coach:
·
Five Types of Difficult Bosses
from our “Managing Your Boss” section
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Our Boss is Playing Favorites
Q:
I work in a small retail boutique with four other sales people.
One of them, “Kristen”, takes advantage of the fact that she is
close friends with the owner. This creates morale problems for
the rest of us.
Kristen leaves without clocking out and doesn’t
tell anyone where she’s going. She gets into phone fights with
her family in front of customers. She is bossy, selfish, and
shows no respect to her coworkers, even though we are older than
she is. But around the owner, she is a dream.
Because Kristen is definitely the best
salesperson, the owner calls her our “cash cow” and says she
can do whatever she wants in the store. She even brags about
Kristen to customers.
I recently volunteered to “take the bullet” for
the team and tell our boss about Kristen’s unprofessional
behavior. We were shocked that she didn’t seem concerned. She
clearly prefers not to deal with this problem.
We have all considered leaving, but we seem to
have more loyalty to the owner than she has to us. All she
cares about are Kristen’s high sales.
I really like everything else about my job, but
this stress is getting to me. Should I talk to the owner again
or just quit?
A:
Put aside your
animosity for a moment and face the facts. Your obnoxious
coworker is an outstanding salesperson. The owner values her
because she brings in the bucks. To the owner, Kristen’s bottom
line contribution is more important than your issues. And the
owner calls the shots here.
Given
these realities, you older folks need to get a grip and stop
wasting so much emotional energy on this young hotshot. Instead
of monitoring her bad behavior, study what she does well and use
her techniques to improve your own sales.
The
best revenge is to beat her numbers. If you can outsell the
"cash cow", the owner will pay more attention to your concerns.
Related information from Your Office Coach:
“What
Motivates You at Work” from our “Career Success” section:
http://www.yourofficecoach.com/Topics/what_motivates_you_at_work.htm
back to top
We're Women, Not "Girls"
Q: I
share an office with two other women. Our male manager always
refers to us as “the girls”. We have hinted that we are "women"
or "ladies", but it hasn’t done any good.
Our boss seems to see nothing wrong with calling
us girls, but we feel it is demeaning. How can we discuss this
with him? Should we start calling him "the boy"?
A: Either
this guy is stuck somewhere back in the ‘70's, or he simply
enjoys annoying you. To have any hope of changing his behavior,
you should stop dropping hints and start expressing your wishes
directly.
Offensive people are completely immune to subtle suggestions.
Getting their attention requires a big, flashing neon sign. So
all three of you must deliver a clear message to your clueless
boss.
For
example: "We know you may think this is silly, but as grown
women, we really don't like being referred to as 'the girls'.
We doubt that you would want your boss calling you 'the boy'.
So we would appreciate your saying 'women' or 'ladies' instead."
When
he slips up, politely remind him of your request. Or, if he has
a sense of humor, say “Hey, boy! You’re calling us girls
again.”
But
if he refuses to change, you may have to let it go. As long as
he’s a good boss otherwise, just consider him a cultural
dinosaur and overlook his thoughtless comments.
Related information from Your Office Coach:
§
“How
to Complain to Your Boss” from our “Managing Your Boss”
section:
http://www.yourofficecoach.com/Topics/how_to_complain_to_your_boss.htm
One of our Supervisors is Always Gone
Q:
A supervisor in our office essentially works part-time for
full-time pay. Our hours are nine to five, but "Betty" arrives
at 10:30, leaves for lunch at 11:30, and doesn't return until
1:30. This has created a big morale problem.
When her manager was informed about this, he
said, "Betty does a great job and we don't want to lose her, so
we're not going to do anything." What can be done to correct
this situation?
A: For
some reason,
Betty clearly has considerable leverage with her boss. One
wonders how she can be so valuable when she’s gone half the
time.
Since
her manager refuses to address the issue, your only option is to
go over or around him. Individual complaints are easily written
off, so make this a group effort. Enlist other concerned
colleagues and meet with a supportive executive or human
resources manager.
First, present documentation of Betty’s arrival and departure
times. Then describe the business problems created by an
absentee supervisor. For example, she’s not available when
employees need assistance. And she’s a terrible role model for
her staff, who may begin to adopt the same schedule.
Any
responsible executive will quickly correct such an obvious
example of lax management. But if Betty’s leverage extends
beyond her boss, you may be out of luck.
Related information from Your Office Coach:
“How to
Complain to Your Boss” from our “Managing Your Boss”
section:
http://www.yourofficecoach.com/Topics/how_to_complain_to_your_boss.htm
back to top
My Boss Likes to Hit People
Q: I
work for a boss who is both verbally and physically abusive.
Although he hasn’t touched me, I have seen him snap other female
employees with rubber bands, leaving a bruise. He likes to
punch the male employees and hit them in the head. He says he’s
just “playing around”.
This is a small company, and the owner is the
only other manager. She and my boss are very close, and she
relies on him a lot. However, she has no idea about his abusive
behavior.
I have started documenting his actions, but I
don’t know how to tell the owner. I love my work, but this
manager is creating a lot of stress.
A: Your
sadistic boss is not only an employee relations nightmare, but
also a huge legal liability. He could be a threat to the
business in many ways, so the owner needs to know.
To
advise her of the problem, you and your besieged coworkers
should meet with her as a group. If she hears the same story
from many people, she is more likely to take it seriously.
Give
the owner a detailed, factual description of the manager’s
inappropriate conduct. Then specifically request that she
direct him to immediately cease all physical contact with
employees.
In
addition, you and your colleagues must also stop tolerating this
abuse. The next time your boss touches anyone, he should be
informed that legally this could be considered battery, and that
if he doesn't stop, charges may be filed against him.
If
the owner takes no action to end the harassment, start looking
for another job. You shouldn’t stay in a company where physical
violence is considered acceptable.
Related information from Your Office Coach:
§
“Five
Types of Difficult Bosses” from our “Managing Your Boss”
section:
http://www.yourofficecoach.com/Topics/five_types_of_difficult_bosses.htm
back to top
My Boss's Assistant is a Bimbo
Q: My
boss recently hired “Kimberly”, an inexperienced 23-year-old, as
his personal assistant. She can't compose a letter, her grammar
is bad, and she has terrible phone manners.
When he sent her to buy a picture frame, she
forgot to measure the picture and had to make two trips. But no
matter how she screws up, he never yells at her.
Recently, when I filled out a form incorrectly,
my boss gave the assignment to Kimberly. After she completely
messed up the same form, he told me to fix it and said “she’s
not quite ready for that yet”.
Because Kimberly lied about her computer skills,
she constantly asks the rest of us for help. As far as I can
see, she was hired only because she has a big chest and a cheap
salary.
My boss regularly makes overnight trips to visit
various hotels owned by our company. Now he’s started taking
Kimberly with him. When she began giving orders to hotel
employees, they called me and asked “who is this kid?”
I wonder if I should look for another job,
because I’m totally sick of this situation.
A:
Don’t pull the plug prematurely. Your bedazzled boss and his
eye-catching assistant may be aggravating, but you need to
consider the bigger picture.
Do you enjoy the
work you’re doing? Was your manager reasonably sane before
Kimberly arrived? Can you easily find a comparable position?
Don’t ditch your job if you’re otherwise happy there.
If,
as you suspect, the overnighters involve more monkey business
than hotel business, your manager won’t be normal for awhile.
People in the grip of lust are seldom rational. But if he used
to be a good boss, give him a little time to come to his senses.
Meanwhile, maintain a pleasant, friendly relationship with the
incompetent cupcake. She has your boss's ear (and perhaps some
other parts as well), so you don’t want her trashing you.
But
don’t do her work or cover up her mistakes. If she bungles her
job badly enough, your boss may be forced to see her more
clearly.
Related information from Your Office Coach:
§
“Dangerous
Workplace Romances” from our “Office Politics” section:
http://www.yourofficecoach.com/Topics/romance_at_work.htm
back to top
Our Boss Imposed a No-Talk
Rule
Q:
The vice president of our department recently sent out an email
forbidding all conversation that is not directly related to
work. This has created very low morale and a suffocating
environment. We feel like we’re in a mausoleum. Other employees
always talk about how quiet our department is.
Although this is a good place to work, our VP is
making everyone miserable. If she finds someone in another
person’s office, she will stop and say "What's going on here? I
hope you are talking about work!"
This VP has a longstanding reputation for being
unreasonable. She is not well-liked by anyone except the CEO,
but his opinion counts for a lot.
We’ve thought
about taking our problem to the human resources manager. Do you
think he could do anything about this woman's absurd behavior?
A:
Your tyrannical VP would make an excellent prison guard, but
she’s a horrible manager. Not only is she making life miserable
for you, but she’s also hurting the company. Turning the office
into a labor camp will
reduce
productivity and
increase turnover.
Any
professional HR manager should immediately see that this
work-talk-only
policy is idiotic and counterproductive. So going to human
resources at least insures that someone is aware of the
problem.
When
you meet with HR, don’t just send a lone representative. Group
action will have more impact. And instead of ranting about the
VP’s dreadful personality, describe how her harsh policies could
harm the business.
The
ultimate solution to this problem, however, rests with the CEO.
The HR manager can make him aware of the VP’s despotic
tendencies. But as her boss, he’s the only one who can overrule
her decisions.
If
the CEO supports your VP’s oppressive management style, then
you’re doomed to suffer in silence. But if he understands the
problem, he has the power to change it.
Smart
CEO’s know that you increase productivity by inspiring
employees, not terrorizing them. And muzzling people is hardly
inspirational.
Related information from Your Office
Coach:
“Quick
Quiz: Are You a Task Master or a Socializer?” from our
Lessons in Leadership section:
http://www.yourofficecoach.com/Topics/taskmaster_v_socializer.htm
back to top
Should I Tell My Boss About
His Mistake?
Q:
I recently became the administrative assistant to our company’s
General Manager. We communicate very well, but I have run into
a problem that I’m not sure how to handle.
Every week, I have to turn in my boss’s expense report. On the
last one, I noticed that he had claimed certain expenses twice.
I couldn’t find a nice way to say this, so I didn’t tell him
about it.
Now I’m afraid that he will be embarrassed if someone else finds
this duplication. Should I say something?
A:
If your boss
expects you to check expense reports for errors, then you need
to tell him about this one. Otherwise, he may hold you
responsible.
But
if he only expects you to forward the report for payment, you
can safely wait for someone in accounting to point out the
problem. And if you’re not sure what you’re expected to do with
these reports, then you need to clarify your job duties.
In
the future, don’t hesitate to take such questions to your boss.
As his assistant, you should feel free to ask about any
work-related issue.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
§
“Strategies for Surviving a New Boss” at
http://www.yourofficecoach.com/Topics/surviving_new_boss.htm
§
“How to Complain to Your Boss” at
http://www.yourofficecoach.com/Topics/how_to_complain_to_your_boss.htm
back to top
My Boss Keeps Asking For
Gossip
Q:
One of my coworkers recently became my boss. She has been
pressuring me, even threatening me, to get me to confide in her
about other employees the way I used to. I try to keep our
conversations strictly professional, but that’s not enough for
her. She wants me to be her pal.
This woman is
notorious for taking anything you say and turning it against
you. I tried being her friend when we were coworkers, and that
didn't work out too well for me. I don’t trust her any farther
than I can throw her, but now she’s my supervisor. What should I
do?
A:
Promotions always alter relationships. Your former colleague
needs to realize that she can’t be both a boss and a buddy.
Even if you trusted her completely, I seriously doubt that you
would tell her everything.
Perhaps you can help her see how the situation has changed. For
example: "Now that you’re the boss, I know there are things
that you won’t be able to tell me. I'm sure your manager
expects you to keep some information confidential.
“At
the same time, I can't share everything that my coworkers say,
because that wouldn’t be fair to them and they would stop
trusting me. But I hope we can still have a friendly
relationship." Then continue to be pleasant, cooperative, and
close-mouthed.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
§
“Strategies for Surviving a New Boss ” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/surviving_new_boss.htm
§
“How to Complain to Your Boss” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/how_to_complain_to_your_boss.htm
back to top
My Coworker Keeps Touching
our Boss
Q:
I am an administrative assistant in a small company. One female
employee is constantly touching the boss, who happens to be
married. They have worked together for six years.
I have seen her pat his hair, rub his shoulders,
and lean her very large chest over him as he sits at his desk.
She bats her eyelashes and caters to his every whim.
I don't think this is at all appropriate. It may
be harmless but, it doesn't look that way. What's your opinion?
A:
To put it
bluntly, I think you should mind your own business and focus on
your work. You are an employee, not the manager or the
morality monitor. If these people are doing something improper,
they will have to suffer the consequences in their personal
lives.
Your
boss could discourage this attention if he wanted to, but he
apparently likes it. So if their flirty relationship makes you
too uncomfortable, consider taking your administrative talents
elsewhere.
However, if someone ever starts touching you inappropriately,
you should immediately report the situation.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
top of page
My Boss is Insulting Me
Q:
Because I am much older than my co-workers, the owner of our
company has often referred to me as "mature” when talking to
clients. Even though this felt like an insult, I told myself
that he was clumsily highlighting my years of experience.
However, a recent incident left no doubt that he is referring to
my age, not my professional background. How can I let him know
these comments are inappropriate?
A:
Instead of
telling your boss that he’s thoughtless and rude, tactfully let
him know how you feel. For example: "I'm a little sensitive
about the age difference between me and the rest of the staff.
I’d really appreciate it if you would not point that out to
clients. But if you want to discuss my extensive work
experience, that would be great."
Unless your boss derives sadistic pleasure from needling people,
cut him a little slack and assume that his tacky comments are
not mean-spirited. People sometimes joke about things that
others don't find very funny.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
“How to Complain
to Your Boss ” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/how_to_complain_to_your_boss.htm
“Giving Effective
Feedback” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/giving_feedback.htm
back to top
My Boss’s Son is a Problem
Q:
I was recently hired as a manager in a small family-owned
business. I have been having problems with another manager who
happens to be the son of our CEO.
Recently, I had a long talk with the CEO and gave
her some constructive criticism about her son's performance.
She made it clear that critiquing him was a big mistake. I got
the message that her son can do no wrong and discussion of his
performance is off-limits.
Now I feel
that I can’t say anything about him, even though he’s my
co-worker. How can I deal with these extremely frustrating
family dynamics?
A:
A family
business is not at all like a publicly-traded company. When you
work for a family, you’re in a completely different universe.
Even if the business is professionally managed, family members
have a special status and non-relatives are outsiders.
During your chat about the CEO’s son, did you completely forget
that you were talking to his mom? As a manager, she should have
listened to your feedback. But her maternal reaction should not
have surprised you. When criticizing family, you must tread
carefully.
In
all likelihood, the son will eventually take over the business.
If the CEO suddenly dropped dead, this guy could become your
boss tomorrow. So even if he’s an idiot, you need to get along
with him.
Although his mom didn’t listen to your feedback about him, I can
guarantee that she’s listening to his feedback about you. If he
speaks well of you, your life will be easier.
Should you find that the combination of business and family
drives you completely bonkers, then you need to take your
talents to a different kind of company.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
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Our New Manager Killed My
Promotion
Q:
In my department, I have long been considered the “lead
supervisor”. I have practically run the department for the past
year. Despite this, someone else was recently promoted to the
position of department manager.
This decision was made by a manager who is new to
our company. He never even gave me an interview or tried to get
to know me. I’m finding it difficult to accept the situation
and feel a lot of resentment towards both him and the company.
How do I get past this? And when I talk with the
big boss, how can I make him realize that I would have been the
right person for the job?
A: I
wonder
how much effort you put into seeking this promotion. Did you
talk with the new manager about your interest in the position?
Do you know what type of person he was looking for? If not,
then you didn’t do your homework.
This
particular opportunity is history, so now you need to put it
behind you and focus on the future. Identify positions that
interest you. Get to know the people who make hiring
decisions. Ask for feedback about your leadership style and
make any appropriate changes.
Since
the “big boss” probably approved this promotion, implying that
it was a mistake will insult his judgment. Instead, let him
know of your interest in management and ask what you should do
to be considered in the future.
People who passively wait to be noticed are often overlooked.
You need to take an active approach to managing your career.
And if you conclude that advancement is unlikely with your
present company, then start exploring the rest of the world.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
“How to Improve
Your Resume without Changing Jobs” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/improve_your_resume.htm
“Ten Helpful
Things to Say to Your Boss” at http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/10_helpful_things.htm
back to top
My Boss Has A Crush On Me
Q:
My
supervisor, “Jake”, is infatuated with me. I used to be
friendly with Jake and his wife before his behavior became
obnoxious.
I’ve made it clear that I don't date either work
colleagues or married men, but Jake still vies for my attention
and pouts when I try to keep our relationship strictly
professional. He has even hinted to his buddies that we’re
having an affair, which is absolutely not true.
Short of
punching him or filing charges, what can I do to get Jake off
this sad, pathetic fantasy?
A:
To discourage Jake’s obsession, you should
immediately cease all conversation about it. Given his lovesick
state of mind, Jake will find any personal discussion rewarding,
even if the topic is your complete lack of interest in him. So
you must firmly declare an end to this one-sided flirtation.
For
example: “Jake, I’ve said repeatedly that I’m not interested in
any sort of romantic relationship with you. And this is the
last time I’m going to discuss it. If you continue to make
advances or imply that we’re romantically involved, I’ll have to
take formal action. But my hope is that we can continue to have
a good working relationship.”
Then
drop the subject forever. If he brings it up again, say, “As I
told you, I’m not going to discuss that.” Then don’t.
Although you are reluctant to file a complaint, Jake’s behavior
certainly constitutes sexual harassment. Should he ever decide
to retaliate for your indifference, you may need proof of his
inappropriate conduct. So consider keeping a record of his
overtures and confiding in a trusted colleague.
If
Jake becomes persistent, demanding, or threatening, you should
immediately contact someone in management or human resources.
Lustful longing can sometimes escalate into serious harassment
or stalking.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
§
“Dangerous Workplace Romances” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/romance_at_work.htm
§
“How to Manage an Office Romance ” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/how_to_manage_an_office_romance.htm
back to top
My Boss Promised a Raise,
But Never Delivered
Q: I
recently completed my undergraduate degree in human resource
management. The whole time I was in school, my boss kept saying
that she would work on getting my pay increased once I
graduated.
Now that I have my degree, my manager says she
can’t give me a raise because this isn’t a common practice in
our company. Also, she said the Director of HR feels that I
don’t deserve an increase because of tardiness and because I
missed some committee meetings that he chaired.
I’ve now started graduate school in business
administration, but I don’t think my efforts to enhance my
career are appreciated. What do you think?
A: Sounds
like your boss spoke too soon and promised too much. Her
assurance that she would "work on" getting you a raise
apparently meant exactly that. And unfortunately her work
didn’t produce the desired results.
Managers need to realize that simply uttering the phrase “pay
increase” immediately heightens expectations. Unless your boss
knew she could deliver the goods, she never should have
mentioned a possible salary upgrade.
Since
you work in HR, ask your compensation specialist whether
receiving a degree has ever triggered a salary adjustment. If a
precedent exists, you may be able to make a case for an
increase.
However, you also have a political obstacle to overcome. To get
raises, promotions, and other workplace goodies, employees must
make a favorable impression on higher level managers.
Regrettably, you seem to have done just the opposite.
Your
tardiness and absence from meetings appear to have offended the
Director, who may view these work habits as a sign that you are
not particularly serious about your career. And his beliefs
will affect your future, even if they are inaccurate.
So if
you want your boss’s boss to support your advancement, you must
demonstrate that you are just as dedicated to your job as you
are to your education. Then, if you still feel unappreciated,
you can always choose to take your talents elsewhere.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
§
“How to Ask for a Raise ” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/how_to_ask_for_a_raise.htm
§
“How to Complain to Your Boss” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/how_to_complain_to_your_boss.htm
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Should I tell my boss I’m
leaving?
Q: I
want to know if I should tell my boss that I’m looking for
another job. My company’s business is decreasing, our pay has
been slashed, and recently one of my coworkers was laid off.
I've always been able to talk openly with my manager, but
lately his personality has changed. What should I do?
A: Honesty is commendable, but complete disclosure is often
foolish. If the higher-ups learn that you may be leaving, they
will start considering how to get along without you. You then
might find yourself at the top of the next layoff list.
Also, some
managers unfairly view employee departures as personal betrayal.
Should you change your mind and decide to stay, your boss might
never forgive you.
So keep your job
search information to yourself. Politically intelligent people
never tell anyone at work that they intend to leave until they
have already secured a new position.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
“Five Key
Job-Seeking Skills ” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/five_key_job-seeking_skills.htm
“Do’s & Don’ts
for Job Interviews” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/do's_don'ts_interviewing.htm
back to top
My Husband’s Boss is an Idiot
Q:
My husband, “Don”, is having problems with a recently acquired
boss. During 25 years as a sales representative, Don has
received numerous awards, including some on a national level.
His new manager has little experience, a poor
work ethic, and low past performance numbers, so it is
aggravating to have him evaluate my husband. We can’t figure
out why this guy was promoted in the first place.
Now the manager says that Don needs to start
planning his sales calls, but after 25 years, what is there to
plan? This is not rocket science. What can I do to help my
husband?
A: This
manager may be a lightweight, but for now he's the boss, like it
or not. His position gives him the power to make your husband’s
life better or worse. That may not be fair, but it's a fact.
When a new
manager has a different work style than the previous one, the
adjustment is often difficult. Some employees act out their
animosity by becoming oppositional, but that's a big mistake.
Getting into a power struggle with the boss can be a quick
career killer.
So if this
manager wants more planning, Don would be wise to comply, as
long as the change won’t hurt customer relationships. Your
husband’s long experience actually could be somewhat
intimidating, so the new guy’s directives may be an attempt to
mask his own insecurity.
Don needs to
recognize that effectively “managing up” is a critical political
skill in every organization. He can vent his frustrations at
home, but at work he must act like a helpful and supportive
employee.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
§
“Strategies for Surviving a New Boss” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/surviving_new_boss.htm
§
“Understanding Work Style Differences” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/work_style_differences.htm
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My Boss Says I Need Therapy
Q:
My extremely overweight woman boss keeps saying I have emotional
problems because I cry whenever she fusses at me. She thinks I
should see a doctor and take anxiety medication like she does.
I find this very
insulting. I don’t think it’s appropriate for her to diagnose
me just because she has an undergraduate degree in psychology.
I do see a psychiatrist for help with my issues, but I
shouldn’t have to share my personal medical history at work.
She and her
manager constantly tell me I’m doing a great job, so my
emotional state is not adversely affecting my work. How do I
get my boss to stop invading my privacy?
A:
Your manager’s
desire to play amateur psychologist is completely out of line.
You are under absolutely no obligation to discuss your "issues"
or treatment with her. To discourage such intrusive
conversations, you must politely refuse to respond.
The
next time your manager shifts into diagnostic mode, calmly state
“I appreciate your concern, but I’d really prefer not to talk
about that.” If she makes future attempts to assess your mental
health, just say "thanks for your opinion" and change the
subject.
This
strategy can only succeed if you avoid bringing up personal
topics yourself. So when talking to your boss, stay focused on
work. And since your crying seems to trigger these
interventions, try to keep your emotions in check.
Speaking of emotions, the "extremely
overweight woman
boss" comment sounds rather hostile. Since anger towards the
boss is never helpful, try to view your misguided manager as
having poor judgment, but good intentions. After all, she
continually praises your work, so she can't be all bad.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
“How to Complain
to Your Boss” at http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/how_to_complain_to_your_boss.htm
“Conflict
Management Skills” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/conflict_management_skills.htm
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My Supervisor Wants Me to Lie
Q: Our performance appraisal system requires supervisors to
schedule quarterly conferences with employees, but that’s never
happened in all the years I’ve worked here. On the annual
review form, my boss always lists the dates when our conferences
were supposed to happen, then asks me to sign it.
I have never been comfortable falsifying these
dates, but I don't know what to do. Should I just suck it up
and sign to keep my boss out of trouble? Or should I refuse and
risk becoming the target of retaliation?
Fortunately, I’ve never had a negative review. But if
I ever do, I know I won't have a leg to stand on if I keep
saying we had these conferences.
A: Forcing you to lie shows not only that your supervisor
is dishonest, but also that he’s a terrible manager. And he’s
definitely lodged you right between the proverbial rock and hard
place.
The safest solution is to seize the initiative
and schedule the conferences yourself. Put quarterly meetings
on your boss’s calendar, go with an agenda to discuss, and list
the dates for him at the end of the year.
Perhaps these meetings will turn out to be
productive. But if not, at least you will no longer be
certifying false information.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
“How to Handle
Your First Performance Review” at http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/first_performance_review.htm
“Ten Questions
to Ask During Your Performance Review” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/performance_review_questions.htm
back to top
My Boss is Obsessed with
Religion
Q:
My boss is always quoting scripture at work. No matter what
problem we take to him, his answer is a Bible verse. It has
gotten so bad that employees hate to talk to him about
anything. One day, I finally told him to please quote policy
and procedures to me instead of quoting scriptures.
Since then,
our meetings have been somewhat awkward. Even though I’m a very
good employee, I get the feeling that now he doesn’t want me
here. But I need to stay in this job until I finish school.
How do you deal with a manager who talks about religion instead
of addressing work issues?
A:
Managers who bombard employees with their religious beliefs are
abusing the power of their position. People in secular
organizations should not feel that their spiritual values may
affect their performance reviews. I wonder how your boss would
react if his own manager constantly quoted the Koran or the
Torah.
Your
recourse in this situation depends on the size of the business.
In a larger company, the HR department will be concerned about
possible charges of religious discrimination, so you should take
your dilemma to them.
But
if you’re in a small business and the offensive manager is the
owner, then you’re pretty much out of luck. To remain employed,
you will need to control your irritation.
When
your boss answers policy questions with Biblical quotations,
listen politely, then say “I’m not sure that I understand the
company’s policy on that issue. Could you clarify it for me?”
And silently remind yourself that once you graduate, you will be
able to escape this proselytizing manager.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
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I Can’t Stand My Boss’s
Perfume!
Q: I
share a small office with three other women. One of them wears
perfume so strong that the rest of us get headaches from the
smell. When I have to work next to her, I can hardly breathe.
I think she’s trying to cover up the fact that she smokes.
We have told her,
in so many words, that “fragrances” bother us, but she keeps
wearing the heavy perfume anyway, which I think is very rude.
No one wants to be the bad guy and bring this up because she is
our boss. What can we do?
Choked-up
Employee
A: Sounds like you've been dropping hints, but she’s not picking
them up. That’s no surprise, because people seldom realize that
hints are directed at them. So your boss is probably clueless,
not rude.
Your manager
actually may have no idea that she’s overdoing the perfume.
Given that she’s a smoker, her sense of smell might not be very
sharp. And if she’s older, age could have dulled her olfactory
abilities.
To get relief,
you need to stop hinting and address the problem directly.
There are two ways to handle this: either bring it up yourself
or ask her manager for help.
If you decide to talk with her, keep the focus on your own
needs. For example: “I’d like to ask you a favor. Perfume
gives me a really bad headache, even when it has a nice
fragrance. I hate to ask this, but since we work very closely,
would you mind not wearing perfume when we’re in the office
together?”
Should such a conversation seem risky, the other option is
for all three of you to go to her boss. Without being critical,
explain your problem and ask the manager to have a chat with
her.
If you chicken out and continue to avoid the issue, please
recognize that you are choosing to live with it. Unless your
boss is psychic, it’s not quite fair to get annoyed when she
fails to read your minds.
.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
“Giving Effective
Feedback” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/giving_feedback.htm
“Ten Helpful
Things to Say to Your Boss” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/10_helpful_things.htm
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My Boss Constantly Praises my
Coworker
Q. One woman in our office is a very high producer
who runs circles around the rest of us. Our new supervisor
constantly praises her as the ideal employee. She is a
nose-to-the-grindstone type of person who quickly gets all her
work done, then sits and waits for more. My pace is not quite
as fast, but I am always finished before the end of the day.
The supervisor has started asking if I need help from this
coworker, which I find very offensive.
A.
If you
put your own nose to the grindstone, could you be as productive
as your speedy colleague? If so, then you’re making the choice
to work at a more relaxed pace. Nothing wrong with that, but
you shouldn’t complain if she chooses to go faster.
On the other
hand, if you are working up to the best of your abilities, then
you simply have the misfortune to be paired with a superstar.
This may not be good for your ego, but you can’t blame your
supervisor for being happy about it.
Nor should you
blame your boss for trying to increase productivity by asking
someone who is finished to help someone who is not. After all,
a supervisor’s primary job is to get work done as correctly and
quickly as possible.
Here’s one
comforting thought, however: superstars seldom stay in one place
for long, so your hyper-productive colleague will eventually
move on to her next challenge.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
My Boss Thinks I’m Psychic!
Q. I work for a manager who thinks I can read
her mind. She will come rushing up like she has an urgent
problem, interrupt my work, and say something like, “Did he come
pick it up?” I have no idea what she’s talking about, so I ask
what she means. Then she acts like I’m an idiot for not
understanding her.
This goes on
all the time. I’m getting more and more irritated because she
always looks at me like I’m ignorant for not being able to fill
in the blanks in her sentences. But since she never gives an
explanation, I can’t possibly know what she’s talking about.
How can I deal with this weird communication technique?
A. Sounds like your boss is a bit of a scatterbrain. But
this doesn’t mean that she’s stupid. She may be an otherwise
intelligent woman who simply has a disorganized thinking style.
Non-linear thinkers often make spontaneous remarks that seem
completely off-the-wall. And they sometimes believe that
they’ve verbalized thoughts that were never actually spoken. If
you are a structured and orderly person, these habits will drive
you crazy.
Since you work for this erratic communicator, try to control
your irritation. If you allow her scattered thinking to annoy
you, your relationship will deteriorate and so may your career.
When she asks “Did he come pick it up?”, avoid frustrated
responses like “I have no idea what you’re talking about!”
Instead, you might reply “No one has picked anything up today”
or “John picked up the budget report.” Then see what she says
next.
If your boss has
other redeeming qualities, attempt to view her mental fuzziness
as an amusing personality quirk. When you need to request
additional information, do it with a smile.
This shift in
perspective will
simultaneously decrease your blood pressure and increase
your job security.
Marie McIntyre
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
The New Boss Isn't Acting
Like A Manager
Q.
“Lisa”, the new manager of our retail store, is making a lot of
mistakes. She is very close to certain employees and socializes
with them outside of work. She lets them look at confidential
personnel files and even takes their advice about who to hire or
fire.
I have management experience and work at this
store in a part-time management role. I’m trying to teach Lisa
all that I can, but now she seems to resent my help. If you
could print some guidelines for first-time managers about
separating from employees, perhaps she will recognize her
errors.
A: The
learning curve for management is pretty steep, and Lisa appears
to have missed a few lessons. But that may not be altogether
her fault. Her boss, who should be teaching Lisa about
management, seems to be totally missing from this scenario.
All
new managers must learn that they are no longer one of the
gang. You can’t be both a boss and a buddy. If you’re trying
to be everyone’s pal, you’ll have a tough time assigning
unpopular tasks or doing objective performance appraisals.
For a
manager, being respected is much more important than being
liked. Management is not a popularity contest. To be
effective, you will sometimes have to make difficult decisions
that do not please everyone.
Good
managers are trustworthy. They never share confidential
information about one employee with another. Personnel issues
should be discussed only with upper management or human
resources, never with other staff members.
The
above advice is for Lisa, but I also have a suggestion for you.
If you come across as condescending or demeaning, Lisa is less
likely to listen. So when offering suggestions, remember that
she is a colleague, not your employee or your student.
Marie
McIntyre
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
§
“Twelve Tips for New Managers” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/tips_for_new_managers.htm
§
“Six Secrets of Motivational Managers” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/motivational_manager.htm
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Can Your Boss Also Be Your Friend?
Q.
My
supervisor, “Crystal”, is also one of my closest friends.
Sometimes it can be hard to separate the friendship and the
work. Most days we chat about family news, the job, and our
coworkers.
However, if one of us does something to make the other upset, we
stop talking at all. Until we can move past our differences,
this makes the work atmosphere very uncomfortable. I don’t want
to leave my job or lose my friend, so how can I balance this
situation?
A: When
a friend is also your boss, you do not have a relationship of
equals. As a supervisor, Crystal has to oversee your
activities, give you feedback, and write your performance
review. To maintain the friendship, you must be able to handle
this without feeling resentful.
You must also
recognize that Crystal’s management decisions cannot be
influenced by your close relationship. If they are, she will
rightly be accused of playing favorites. And don’t expect her
to share confidential information about coworkers or business
issues.
In fairness to
your colleagues, you and Crystal must not let personal
disagreements poison the work environment. When the two of you
stop speaking, everyone around you undoubtedly senses the
tension in the air. Despite your feelings, you need to maintain
a civil relationship at the office.
Successfully
managing this balancing act can be extremely difficult. To pull
it off, both parties must consistently act like mature adults.
And anyone who punishes friends with the silent treatment may
have some difficulty passing the maturity test.
Marie McIntyre
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
§
“Conflict Management Skills” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/conflict_management_skills.htm
§
“Twelve Tips for New Managers” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/tips_for_new_managers.htm
back to top
Our New Manager is Really
Screwing Up
Q: “Lisa”, the new manager of our retail store, is making a lot of
mistakes. She is very close to certain employees and socializes
with them outside of work. She lets them look at confidential
personnel files and even takes their advice about who to hire or
fire.
I have
management experience and work at this store in a part-time
management role. I’m trying to teach Lisa all that I can, but
now she seems to resent my help. If you could print some
guidelines for first-time managers about separating from
employees, perhaps she will recognize her errors.
A: The
learning curve for management is pretty steep, and Lisa appears
to have missed a few lessons. But that may not be altogether
her fault. Her boss, who should be teaching Lisa about
management, seems to be totally missing from this scenario.
All
new managers must learn that they are no longer one of the
gang. You can’t be both a boss and a buddy. If you’re trying
to be everyone’s pal, you’ll have a tough time assigning
unpopular tasks or doing objective performance appraisals.
For a
manager, being respected is much more important than being
liked. Management is not a popularity contest. To be
effective, you will sometimes have to make difficult decisions
that do not please everyone.
Good
managers are trustworthy. They never share confidential
information about one employee with another. Personnel issues
should be discussed only with upper management or human
resources, never with other staff members.
The
above advice is for Lisa, but I also have a suggestion for you.
If you come across as condescending or demeaning, Lisa is less
likely to listen. So when offering suggestions, remember that
she is a colleague, not your employee or your student Marie
McIntyre
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
Should I Comment on My
Performance Review?
Q: In my performance review, my boss included some
negative comments made by his own manager. Since I don’t agree
with his manager’s opinion, I said so in the “Employee Comments”
section of the appraisal form. I stood up for what I believe to
be true, but now I feel like I shouldn’t have written anything.
What do you think?
A:
I
think that you’re worrying about the wrong thing. Instead of
being nervous about your written remarks, you ought to be
concerned about the negative perceptions of upper management.
The “Employee Comments” section found on most
appraisal forms is designed to give people a chance to express
their views. Using it is completely appropriate as long as you
express your opinion in a mature and balanced manner. If your
written rebuttal was irrational or overly emotional, just ask to
submit a corrected version.
A more serious concern, however, is that upper
management is making negative comments about your work. Even if
you don’t agree with them, those perceptions will greatly
influence your future. An old saying applies here: “The person
who protects your job is not your boss; it’s your boss’s boss.”
If your boss’s manager is operating on
misinformation, then you need to provide accurate facts as soon
as possible. But if you actually do need to improve in some
areas, you should start being honest with yourself.
Your appraisal form will soon be filed away and
forgotten, but management's poor opinion of you could affect
your career for a long time. So consider asking your boss what
can be done to repair your reputation with the higher-ups.
Marie
McIntyre
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
§
“Help! It’s Time for My First Performance Review.” At
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/first_performance_review.htm
§
“Ten Questions to Ask During Your Performance Review ” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/performance_review_questions.htm
§
“How to Respond to a Bad Performance Review ” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/respond_to_a_bad_performance_review.htm
back to top
My Boss Says I Can’t Be a
Manager
Q:
My
boss recently told me that I am not management material. This
was very upsetting. Even though I don’t have a degree, I do
have years of experience and have trained many people. I get
along with everyone and frequently get positive feedback about
my work.
When I joined
this company, the business was just starting to take off.
Because of the growth, they are now planning to hire other
people to help with my work. I feel that I could supervise
them, but my boss says no. What can I do to become management
material? Disappointed
A:
Don’t be too disheartened by your boss’s
pessimistic assessment. You may simply not fit the management
profile that he’s looking for right now.
Rapidly growing companies often don’t have time to take novice
managers through the learning curve. Instead, they bring in
experienced outsiders who are equipped to handle the challenges
posed by expansion.
Continued growth will bring future opportunities, however. So
if management is your goal, start preparing yourself. Ask your
boss to describe the characteristics he values in a manager,
then work on demonstrating them.
Find
positive management role models and study their behavior. Look
for books, workshops, or Internet resources to educate yourself
about management and leadership. And if you can possibly do so,
start working on that degree.
Finally, seek out opportunities to lead committees or head up
projects. This will not only sharpen your leadership skills,
but also provide clear evidence that you may indeed be
management material.
If
you have a professional human resources department, discuss your
career goals with the HR manager. And don’t let your
discouraging boss dampen your ambitions. His lack of interest
in your development may indicate that he’s not such a great
manager himself. Marie McIntyre
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
§
“Ten Signs of Effective Leadership” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/ten_signs_of_effective_leadership.htm
“Secrets of
Motivational Managers” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/motivational_manager.htm
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My Boss is Trying to Get
Romantic
Q:
A few months ago, my boss confessed that he has “feelings” for
me. I am happily married and definitely do not share these
feelings. Although I was stunned and angry, I naively thought
we could continue to work together on a professional basis.
However, this is a very small business and he is the owner, so
the situation felt uncomfortable. I began looking for a new
job, but haven’t found one yet.
Last week, my
boss told me that his feelings have not changed, but he needs to
know if I am still planning to leave, since he will have to
replace me. Now I feel like he's trying to push me out. I have
confided in one of my coworkers and saved his hand-written notes
to document his "emotional attachment” to me. People that I’ve
talked to say there is no sexual harassment in this situation.
What recourse do I have? Not Fond of the Boss
A:
Contrary to what you have been told, expressing romantic
intentions towards an employee and sending her love notes does
indeed constitute sexual harassment. Legally, sexual harassment
can occur without any physical overtures. If you want to pursue
that avenue, however, you will need to find out if your “very
small business” is large enough to be covered by the law.
Although you may
not like feeling pushed, finding another job is definitely the
best solution.
So far, your boss is just quietly harboring romantic fantasies,
but if he becomes more obnoxious or aggressive, things might get
difficult. In a larger company, you could take your problem to
human resources, but unfortunately you don’t have that option.
In response to
your boss’s question, you can honestly say that you have no
immediate plans to leave. This is a truthful answer, because at
the moment you have no job to go to. If he inquires about
future plans, tell him that you’re not sure, but if you decide
to leave you’ll give him reasonable notice.
Should your boss bring up his “feelings” again, remind him that
you are married. Explain that you like your job, but your
relationship with him needs to remain strictly professional. Then
change the subject.
One question,
though: how did your boss know that you’re looking for a job? I
can only assume that you’ve been talking about it, which wasn’t
very prudent. When you declare your intention to leave one job
before you find another, you risk being left with no job at
all. So I suggest keeping all future job search plans to
yourself. Marie
McIntyre
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
My Boss is Suddenly Acting
Different
Q:
My boss and I are different in many ways, but have managed to
work together quite well for ten years. Lately she has started
to treat me differently and speaks to me with an angry and
accusatory tone in her voice. In the past, she has admitted
feeling threatened by me, so I wonder if she is setting me up to
be fired. I know that she is under a lot of stress right now.
I have asked her to lunch, but she puts me off. How should I
handle this? I feel like I am turning into the proverbial
“disgruntled employee”.
A:
Are you sure
this is about you and not about the stress? Your boss might
just be taking her current frustrations out on you. That
wouldn’t be nice, but it would at least be an explanation.
Also, you say that the two of you are very different.
Stressed-out people often have little tolerance for
differences.
You
might consider talking with her in a spirit of understanding,
not criticism or hurt. Say something like “I know you’ve been
under a lot of stress lately, and I wondered if there’s anything
I can do to help.”
Or
you could be more direct: “Our relationship has seemed a little
tense lately. Is that only because there’s been a lot of stress
or is there something that I need to do differently?”
Going
to lunch is a good idea, but if she continues to reject it, find
time to talk at work. And since you know she can be threatened
by you, don’t do anything threatening!
If
none of this works, then you need to manage your side of the
relationship as best you can, since that’s all you can control.
Focus on the work, be pleasant and friendly, and don’t overreact
to your boss’s moods. If you allow yourself to become
disgruntled, you will only make things worse.
If
you make an effort to treat her the way you would like her to
treat you, then you can at least enjoy feeling like the more
mature person. Marie McIntyre
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
§
“How to Manage Your Boss” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/managing_your_boss.htm
§
“Twenty Signs that Your Boss Is on the Way Out” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/20_signs.htm
back to top
My
Boss Seems To Be Obsessed With Me.
Q:
About a year ago, I made a sexual
harassment complaint against my boss.
Before that, I did not realize what he
was doing was illegal. For example,
he'd ask if I ever wore thong underwear,
tell me I should always wear short
skirts, and ask if he could bring me
wine. He even showed up at my house.
When I complained to the
company President, my boss acted
completely surprised. The President
tried to make it my fault by saying I
wasn't firm enough when I told my boss
to stop. He said we should forget it,
tell no one, and move on, since "no one
was hurt."
Since then, despite my
protests, I have been moved to a cube
within ten feet of my boss' office. He
constantly walks by my desk, follows me
around the building, asks about my lunch
plans, and watches out the window when I
leave. People have told me that he goes
through my trash.
This is annoying, but
probably not sexual harassment. If I
talk to my boss, he’ll just deny doing
anything wrong. And I’m sure management
wouldn't take it seriously. The
solution is to find a another job, but
so far I haven’t had any luck. I feel
stuck and could use some advice.
A:
Let’s be clear about one thing: this is
still sexual harassment. Your boss may
have stopped talking about sex, but he’s
definitely harassing you. And something
needs to be done about it.
The President obviously
handled your prior complaint all wrong.
Putting the burden on you to stop the
harassment is totally contrary to legal
requirements. Firm and immediate
disciplinary action should have been
taken against your harasser. Moving you
closer to him was inexcusable.
At this point, you might
consider getting advice from the nearest
EEOC office. They can process a formal
claim of sexual harassment if you wish
to make one. The law protects you from
retaliation, so management can’t take
action against you for filing a charge.
Of course, they might find some other
way to make your life miserable.
Another option is to talk
with an attorney. If you decide to go
that route, find one who specializes in
employment law. Talking to any other
type of lawyer could just waste your
time and money.
If you are not ready to
take a legal step, you still need to
tell someone in management about this
highly inappropriate behavior. Since
this guy has a history of showing up at
your house, you could find yourself
dealing with a stalker.
If your company has a
professional HR department, that’s the
place to go. But if not, go back to the
President and let him know that illegal
behavior is still occurring. Describe
your extreme discomfort and tell him
specifically what you want him to do.
If he does not take immediate action,
then reconsider the legal option.
As you say, the best
solution is to get out of there.
Discussing this situation during job
interviews will not be helpful,
however. So you need a different answer
to the question of why you want to
change jobs. Marie McIntyre
Helpful links related to
this topic on Your Office Coach:
§
“Five Types of Difficult
Bosses” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/five_types_of_difficult_bosses.htm
§
“Dangerous Workplace
Romances” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/romance_at_work.htm
