Q:
My physician husband decided to leave a large group practice and
establish his own office. Four staff members, including the
office manager, left with him. Our daughter, a health care
provider, also joined the new practice.
I helped out in the office for awhile, but I left
because the office manager was so disrespectful to me. Our
daughter still works there, but has never been accepted by the
“office group." They gossip about her, reschedule her patients,
and complain about her at staff meetings.
My husband has held several meetings to try to
mediate these problems, but it’s just getting worse. He's
worried sick that our daughter will leave. Any suggestions?
A:
Your husband needs to grow a backbone. He owns the practice, so
he’s the boss. If his
staff is harassing his daughter, then he should
tell them to stop. And if they don't, then he needs to find
some new employees
In a
family business, family members have all the power, which
frequently annoys unrelated employees. But your husband seems
to be giving his power away, perhaps because doctors often have
no clue about how to handle personnel issues.
Instead of endlessly trying to "mediate" this conflict, your
hubby needs to act like a business owner and give his staff some
clear direction. And if your daughter is contributing to the
problem, then he must do the same with her. As the boss, the
buck stops with him.
My Coworker is a Snoop
Q:
One of my coworkers reads the documents on my desk. She also
tries to look at my computer screen over my shoulder. This
really drives me crazy. How do I get her to stop?
A:
Coworkers can
only invade your privacy if you allow it. To stop the snooper,
you must immediately thwart her annoying behavior. Do not try
to be subtle.
When
she attempts to examine your papers, simply turn them over or
put them in a drawer. If she picks them up, hold out your hand
and say "I need those back, please".
Always keep a fake document open on your computer. When the
curious colleague starts to scrutinize your screen, obscure your
work by clicking over to the “dummy”.
If
she asks why you are being so secretive, smile and say "It just
bothers me when people try to look over my work." Then drop the
subject.
Busybodies can be quite persistent. But if you continue to foil
her efforts, eventually she’ll get the message.
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My
Coworker Is A Drama Queen
Q:
My coworker, “Kristy”,
shifts from being friendly and cheerful to hateful
and sulky if anyone corrects her work.
She will cry at her
desk until someone asks what’s wrong.
Kristy tells people that I
don’t help her, even though I give her detailed
instructions.
She sends emails asking
why no one likes her and says things like “I’m so
stupid” or “this is the worst day of my life”.
My boss is so afraid of
setting her off that he seldom talks to her.
However, she says that
he gives her raving performance reviews.
Although the rest of the group
babies Kristy, I usually ignore her antics.
I believe she’s just
trying to get attention.
My boss tells me that I will
soon get a promotion for which I have worked very
hard.
I
know this will upset Kristy, because she has been
here longer than I have.
My
manager is also dreading her reaction to the news.
What
should I do?
Tired of
Babysitting
A:
Sounds like another wimpy
manager held hostage by a drama queen.
Your boss really needs
to grow a backbone, but you can’t do much about
that.
Nor are you likely to change
Kristy.
Her volatile behavior
is rewarded not only by her colleagues’ caretaking,
but also by her manager’s neglect.
By intimidating him,
Kristy avoids all discussion of
her performance
problems.
But for you, everything seems
to be going well.
So enjoy your upcoming
promotion and ignore any fireworks from Kristy.
And when you become a
manager, please try to have more guts than your
boss.
I Can't Afford Gifts for my Coworkers
Q: I’m
not sure how to handle holiday gift-giving at work. About three
months ago, I started a part-time job in a very small office. I
don’t make much money, so I’m not comfortable giving presents.
Bringing homemade treats won’t work, because I
don’t bake. My husband, who works for a large corporation, says
that giving Christmas gifts is not appropriate. What are your
thoughts?
A:
Christmas traditions vary widely. Some groups hold formal
drawings to determine “Secret Santas”, while others simply wish
each other "Happy Holidays!" on the last day of work.
Your manager can
tell you what’s typically done in your office. But even if
gifts are customary, few people would expect a newly-hired,
part-time employee to buy presents for everyone.
One easy option
is to purchase a box of candy or cookies for the whole staff to
share. Most people enjoy munching on goodies while they work.
And
here’s a message for managers: if festivities in your office
have become too extensive or expensive, set some limits.
Holiday celebrations are great morale boosters, as long as they
don’t exclude people who are on a tight budget or who come from
different religious traditions.
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Our Coworker Doesn't Look Very Good
Q.
One
of our coworkers doesn't seem to care about her appearance.
“Marcy”
is almost 40, overweight, and vertically challenged. I’m sure
the way she looks will hurt her chances of advancement.
Instead of choosing attractive clothes, Marcy
wears whatever she finds on sale. Several of us are just as
large, but we select outfits that flatter our figures. People
compliment us all the time.
In old
photos, with her hair and makeup done, Marcy looked wonderful.
If she would touch up her face even a little, that would help.
Her excuse is that her husband loves her the way she is. How
can we help her?
A:
Marcy is happy. Marcy’s husband is happy. And since no job
performance problems are mentioned, I assume Marcy’s boss is
happy. So perhaps you and your cuter colleagues should continue
to bask in your compliments and just let Marcy go her dowdy
way.
Since you and
Marcy obviously have different priorities, stop viewing her as
an improvement project and accept her for who she is. Then
maybe you can find something more important to worry about, like
world hunger or the melting polar icecap.
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My Coworkers are a Bunch of Slackers
Q:
As a young, knowledgeable, ambitious employee, I find myself in
a perplexing position. I work for a large government agency
where many people spend their time doing anything but work.
They play computer games, surf the web, read the
paper, take frequent smoke breaks, discuss TV shows, gossip
about celebrities, plan vacations, manage their finances, and
work on school assignments.
Sometimes these coworkers try to give their
assigned tasks to me. I always reply courteously by saying,
“Just okay it with the boss, then I’ll be glad to help you.” So
far, the boss hasn’t given me any of their work.
I can’t decide whether I should report this
chronic abuse of agency time. My goal is to get into
management, so I want to demonstrate my dedication and work
ethic. But if I’m seen as a whistle-blower, I might lose any
chance of advancement.
A: Your
goof-off colleagues obviously have no concern about either job
security or wasting the taxpayers’ money. Your response to
their requests for assistance is politically brilliant.
Apparently, your boss is either totally indifferent or too timid
to tackle the problem. Since the abuse is widespread, odds are
that upper management also has chosen to tolerate it.
If
you can locate a higher-up who seems receptive, then you might
raise the issue. But perhaps it’s time to stop worrying about
the agency and start worrying about yourself.
You
seem to have landed in an organization whose culture is a
complete mismatch for your personality. And one lone employee
will never change the culture single-handedly.
If
you remain with this agency, you are likely to evolve from a
frustrated young employee to a frustrated aging manager. So
start looking for a job where your strong work ethic will be
applauded, not resented.
Related information from Your Office Coach:
· Quick
Quiz: Do You Annoy Your Coworkers?
from our “Coworker Relationships” section
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My Coworkers Don't Care About Me
Q:
Six weeks ago, my husband had surgery to remove a cancerous
tumor. Because he needed intensive treatment, I took leave from
my job to care for him.
During this difficult time, only three coworkers
have contacted me to see how we are doing. There are thirty
people in my office, and I have worked there for four years.
I've always had a good relationship with my
colleagues, so I am hurt and disappointed by this treatment.
Frankly, I am disgusted with them. I can't seem to get beyond
these feelings.
When I go back to work, I know people will ask
about my husband's condition. Since they weren’t there when I
needed support, I have no desire to discuss his health with
them. How should I handle their questions?
A:
You and your husband have experienced a terrifying crisis that
consumed every waking moment of your lives. From your
perspective, your coworkers’ silence indicates a lack of concern
for your suffering. However, that’s not necessarily true.
Because people react to illness differently, some may assume
that contacting you would be intrusive. In a group of thirty
employees, some probably feel they don’t know you well enough.
And others may be unsure about what to say, so they put off
saying anything.
Would
sending a card or email have been the thoughtful thing to do?
Absolutely. But this oversight doesn’t mean that your coworkers
are uninterested. Odds are they’ve received regular updates
from those who are in touch with you.
When
you return to the office, many well-meaning folks will greet you
with genuine sympathy and concern. Try to accept these
sentiments as authentic and respond graciously. If you prefer
not to share detailed information, just say "My husband is doing
very well. Thanks for asking.” And leave it at that.
The
caring colleagues who supported you during your ordeal will
always have a special place in your heart. If some of the
others are insensitive or indifferent, don’t waste your
emotional energy fretting about them.
Related
information from Your Office Coach:
§
“Trust
& Betrayal at Work” from our “Coworker Relationships”
section:
http://www.yourofficecoach.com/Topics/trust%20and%20betrayal%20at%20work.htm
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Burned by a Friend
Q:
Several months ago, my neighbor decided to leave her husband.
Everyone was shocked, because they had seemed like a happy
couple.
I helped this woman and her child move out, gave
her money, and took them into my home for a few weeks. I also
helped her get a job in my office. Recently, I learned that this “friend” has been
coming on to my husband and encouraging him to leave me. I
found a message from her on his cell phone saying she missed him
and was dying to see him. When I confronted my husband, he said he talked
to her only because she was so lonely. He has told her to stop
calling and stay out of our lives. The problem is that she’s still working at my
office. I’ve been with this company for six years, but having
her here has ruined everything. Please tell me what I should
do.
A:
Although
your motives were admirable, inviting this woman into your life
was not a good decision. Having chosen that course, however,
you must now live with the consequences.
Like
it or not, your backstabbing neighbor has become a coworker. So
unless she continues to pursue your husband, you must treat her
as you would any other colleague.
Act
businesslike, mature, and polite, but keep your distance. Your
friendship expired the day she started chasing your spouse, so
you don’t need to be her office buddy.
If
you fear she might try to sabotage you, consider giving your
boss a heads-up. But don't review the entire soap opera. Just
provide a brief summary to make your manager aware of the
situation.
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I'm Not "One of the Girls"
Q: I
am a male employee who has trouble relating to female
supervisors and managers. I don’t mind them personally, but I
resent the way they deal with events in their lives, like
divorces or weddings.
When women managers have some sort of life event
going on, they spend lots of time talking with female employees,
but completely ignore me and the other men. They don’t even
acknowledge our existence.
I am usually the first person to arrive at the
office, but the female managers don’t even say “good morning”
when they come in. They just start chatting with the other
women. How can I keep a positive attitude when I am excluded
from their conversations?
A: Sounds
like the female version of the “good old boys network”.
Managers should never create in-groups and out-groups among
their employees.
However, many guys would pay good money to avoid detailed
feminine discussions about relationships and personal
activities. So these women may assume that you simply wouldn't
be interested.
If
you want to be included in the early-morning chats, don’t wait
for an invitation. Instead, take the initiative and join the
conversation.
Ask
how the wedding plans are going or how little Johnny is doing in
pre-school. Then share a few anecdotes from your own life.
Once
the gals know you want to participate, I guarantee that you will
no longer be ignored. Although eventually you may wish that you
were.
Related information from Your Office Coach:
§
“Political
Pitfalls for Men & Women” from our “Office Politics”
section:
http://www.yourofficecoach.com/Topics/political_pitfalls.htm
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My Friend Won't Stop Singing
Q:
Management allows our group to wear headphones while we work.
One of my close friends has a habit of humming to the music or
singing a few words. Sometimes she can be rather loud.
This doesn’t
bother me, but I know it disturbs other people. If they
complain to management, I’m afraid our headphone privileges will
be taken away. How should I bring this to her attention?
A:
Your friend may
be completely oblivious to her humming habit. Approach her in a
spirit of helpfulness, not criticism.
For
example: " Mary, I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but you
often hum along with the music on your headphones. I don’t
mind, but some people find it distracting. If they complain,
management might decide to ban headphones altogether, so I
thought I should let you know."
If
she's really a close friend, she'll appreciate your candor. But
if she reacts defensively, just tell her that you only wanted to
be helpful.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
“Giving
Effective Feedback”
http://www.yourofficecoach.com/Topics/giving_feedback.htm
“Do You Annoy
Your Coworkers?”
http://www.yourofficecoach.com/Topics/do_you_annoy.htm
My Coworker Seems To Be
Losing It
Q:
One
of my coworkers, “Rachel”, is a college acquaintance. We
weren’t close in school, but became friends after joining this
firm.
Recently, Rachel’s behavior has become
questionable. She calls in sick at least once a week and gets
upset about absurd things. For example, when she and another
woman brought in snacks, Rachel yelled at her for “trying to
out-do her” with the food.
Although we work on different teams, Rachel often
rushes over to my desk and complains so loudly that everyone can
hear. When I told her my boss didn’t like this, she got very
angry and started giving him dirty looks.
I’m afraid Rachel’s behavior will eventually
begin to reflect badly on me. But I also feel bad about
avoiding her, because she doesn’t have any friends.
This situation
is distracting me from my work. Should I go talk to someone?
A:
Since
Rachel seems to be on the verge of a meltdown, sharing your
concerns is the responsible thing to do. Discuss this recent
behavior change with her supervisor or the human resources
manager.
Because Rachel’s
anger and absences are quite obvious, management might be
involved already. But if not, your observations may prompt some
helpful action.
As a friend, you
can also offer assistance directly. Simply say that she seems
to be having a difficult time and ask if you can help. If your
company has an employee assistance program, give her the contact
number.
However, if
Rachel’s
disruptive outbursts continue, you may have no
choice but to distance yourself. Otherwise, both your work and
your reputation may suffer.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
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How Do I Handle a Coworker’s
Affair?
Q:
For
the past two years, a secretary in our office has been having an
affair with one of the executives. Both of them are married
with young children.
My problem is not with the affair itself, as
these people are adults and can do as they please. However, the
secretary has become so distracted by this relationship that her
work has suffered considerably. She used to be quite friendly
with everyone, but now she only has time to assist her
boyfriend.
Top management thinks very highly of this woman,
so if I speak up I’m afraid I’ll lose my job. Most people know
about the affair, but they choose to turn a blind eye to it.
I’m not sure how to handle this situation.
A:
Does
the secretary's romantic distraction create problems with your
own work? If so, talk with her about any tasks that are being
neglected.
Her
affair is completely irrelevant to this discussion. You need to
focus on the result of her inattentiveness, not the presumed
cause.
For
example: "Mary, I’m concerned about the turnaround time on my
monthly reports. They seem to be taking longer and longer to
complete, so we need to agree on a deadline."
If
this fails to do the trick, tell your boss about the secretary’s
lapses without mentioning her love life.
But
if this woman’s infatuation has no effect on your own job
performance, stop fretting about her moral and vocational
shortcomings. It’s a waste of your time and energy.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
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I Hate My New Coworker!
Q:
I
simply cannot work with the new person in my department. I am
24 years old and the administrative assistant to the sales
director. He recently hired a sales representative who is 52
and used to be a manager in another company.
This woman seemed nice until I corrected her
paperwork and told her how to do it properly. That started a
confrontation between us. Since then, she watches everything I
do. I hate her, and I know she hates me, too.
Being around
this lady makes me sick. Whenever she comes into my office, I
feel like telling her to stay away from me. All the other sales
reps say that they don’t like her either. What can I do about
this?
A:
Your extreme emotional reaction is the real issue
here. Saying “I hate her” and “she makes me sick” sounds pretty
immature. This woman is just a difficult coworker, not Attila
the Hun.
To be
successful, you must learn to work with obnoxious people without
becoming one yourself. You will meet many more of them during
your career.
Even
if you don’t like each other, you and your adversary have to
work together. So overlook her annoying traits and avoid
arguing with her. If she acts like a child, you need to be the
adult.
If
you are expected to review her paperwork, remember that the
standards are established by management, not by you. Have your
boss talk with her about any necessary corrections.
Finally, consider that a 52-year-old former manager might be
somewhat anxious about starting a new job at this point in her
career. Then see if you can muster up a little sympathy. If
she’s really as bad as you say, she won’t be around long.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
§
“Good Ground Rules for Quarrelsome Groups ” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/quarrelsome_groups.htm
§
“How to Deal with Childish Adults” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/how_to_deal_with_childish_adults.htm
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My Co-Worker Keeps Touching
My Husband
Q:
My husband and I teach at the same school. This year, a new
young math teacher started openly flirting with my husband and
touching him. She hugs him, rubs his shoulders, and so forth.
She often does this in my presence. I know it’s silly, but her
behavior really bothers me. What should I do?
A:
You're not being
silly at all. Wanting this hussy to keep her hands off your
husband is completely normal. If she just gazed at him
adoringly, you might feel foolish bringing it up. But hugging
and rubbing clearly crosses the line.
The
math teacher may be the problem, but the solution lies with your
husband. Since he’s the target of this flirtatious behavior,
it’s his responsibility to stop it. If he hugs her back or
gives a deep, happy sigh during a shoulder massage, then he's
sending the wrong message.
Without getting overly upset or dramatic, tell your hubby
exactly how you feel and what you want him to do. For example:
"You may think this is silly, but I really hate it when Mary
hugs you or rubs your shoulders. I would appreciate it if you
would ask her to stop."
If
he’s a bit slow to catch on, ask how he would feel if the
situation were reversed: "Suppose that Bob kept touching me and
giving me back rubs. Would you like that?"
Should he resist talking to her about it, ask him to do so as a
personal favor to you. As his wife, your feelings should be
more important than hers.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
§
“How to Deal with Childish Adults ” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/how_to_deal_with_childish_adults.htm
§
“Giving Effective Feedback” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/giving_feedback.htm
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My Co-Workers Are Ripping Off
The Company
Q:
Two
people in our office, a mother and daughter, are falsifying
hours on their timesheets. The rest of us are honest employees
who show up for work, do our jobs, and make up any time we miss.
Our boss works in a different location, so she
doesn’t know what goes on here. When we gently tried to tell
her about this problem, she said we were being petty.
Now these two
women are getting paid for hours and hours of overtime, when
they’re not even working their regular hours. Their dishonesty
is hurting morale and causing a lot of resentment. What is our
ethical responsibility in this situation?
A:
Your
“gentle” description of this scam may have been too vague. To
get the attention of your off-site boss, you must clearly convey
the magnitude of the problem.
For the next
couple of weeks, record the exact number of hours these overtime
bandits actually work. Then compare the true attendance figures
with their timesheet report.
Send this information to your manager with a note
signed by you and your coworkers.
If
your boss continues to ignore the fraud, you may have to choose
between justice and self-protection. The next logical step is
to report the violations to human resources or upper
management. But going over your manager’s head does risk making
her angry.
Once
you have informed the appropriate people about this deception,
then you’ve done all you can do. If the higher-ups fail to take
action, just file this experience under "life's not fair" and
let it go.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
§
“How to Complain to Your Boss ” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/how_to_complain_to_your_boss.htm
§
“Trust & Betrayal at Work” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/trust%20and%20betrayal%20at%20work.htm
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My Co-Worker Always Copies My
Boss!
Q:
I have a coworker who copies my boss on every e-mail that she
sends me. I can’t imagine why she does this. On my own emails,
I copy only people who actually need the information, What do
you think is going on here? Annoyed
A:
Because everyone is swamped with email these days, people who
overuse the “cc” line risk aggravating those that they hope to
inform. Managers should only be copied when there is a specific
benefit to be gained.
Here are some
legitimate reasons for copying higher-ups: to provide necessary
updates on projects or problems, to offer an opportunity for
comment before action is taken, or to escalate an issue to the
next level.
Lacking psychic abilities, I can’t divine your coworker’s true
intentions. She might simply be naïve about proper email
etiquette. She may have paranoid tendencies that drive her to
document her every move. Perhaps she hopes to impress your boss
or get you in trouble.
By
observing her other behaviors, you should be able to determine
whether her motives are self-serving, sinister, or silly.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
“Playing
Political Games, Part 1 ” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/political_games,_part_1.htm
“Dealing with
Enemies & Adversaries” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/enemies_&_adversaries.htm
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My Co-Workers are Spying on
Me!
Q:
In my
new job, I share an office with three people. My desk is
positioned so that the gentleman behind me has a full view of
everything I do. He also happens to be the younger brother of
one of the owners.
On my seventh day of work, the human resources
manager warned me about the amount of time I spent making
personal calls and using the Internet. My office mates
apparently tattled to her about this, so I already have a black
mark next to my name.
Now I make no more than two three-minute calls
per day, and I’m controlling my urge to go online. But the
brother who sits behind me still watches me constantly.
My three coworkers instant message each other all
day, and sometimes the messages are about me. Because I’m a
sensitive person, this is starting to affect my work. I can’t
even stand to look at these people.
When I started this job, I was at an extreme
high, but now I’m at an extreme low. My coworkers behave like
children and watch me like a hawk. Should I act like I don’t
care or try to kill them with kindness? How do I handle this?
A: The most
salient fact here is that you are a newcomer in a
well-established group. You have no track record with these
people. To succeed, you must demonstrate that you can be a
friendly and productive colleague.
Goofing off during your first week was a bad way to
start. You are paid to produce results, not surf the net or
chat on the phone. So you immediately screwed up your chance to
make a good first impression.
To recover, you must do your best work, act pleasant
and helpful, and control your emotions. If you are tired of
your coworkers’ childish behavior, then you should set an adult
example. Adults maintain good working relationships, even with
people they don’t like.
You particularly need to get along with the guy
peering over your shoulder. Why? Because he’s related to an
owner and could probably get you fired. This may not be fair,
but family almost always trumps fairness.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
§
“Playing Power Games ” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/political_games,_part_1.htm
§
“Dealing with Enemies & Adversaries” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/enemies_&_adversaries.htm
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My Co-Worker’s Belching
Drives Me Nuts!
Q:
I sit in a cluster of cubicles with four other people. The
person beside me belches repeatedly throughout the day. I've
tried wearing headphones to drown him out, but it doesn't always
work.
My other
coworkers say they also hear him and that this has been brought
to his attention before. I mentioned it to my manager, but she
didn’t do anything. I may have to talk to the guy myself,
because I can't take it anymore. What should I do?
A:
Your
burping colleague may have little control over this
physiological response. Unlike those who talk loudly or bathe
infrequently, people who belch, sniff, or cough often have
underlying physical problems. He might be able to turn down the
volume, though.
If
you’re willing to risk an indignant reaction, you can make this
request directly: “I know this may sound silly, but I get very
distracted by noise, and I often hear a lot of belching from
your cubicle. If you’re able to do that more quietly, I would
really appreciate it.”
Should this conversation fail to squelch the belch, enlist the
support of your fellow cube dwellers. Go as a group to your
manager and ask her to encourage the burper to exert more self
control.
Another
alternative is to distance yourself by swapping cubicles with a
coworker who is less disturbed by bodily sounds. Some people
are completely oblivious to the background noise that others
find maddening.
If all else
fails, invest in a better set of headphones, resign yourself to
the inevitable, and try to muster a little sympathy for someone
with such a socially unacceptable habit.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
§
“Quick Quiz: Do You Annoy Your Coworkers? ” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/do_you_annoy.htm
§
“Giving Effective Feedback” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/giving_feedback.htm
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I Don't Trust My Co-Worker
Q:
I’m not sure whether to trust one of my coworkers. When dealing
with me, “Amy” acts helpful and considerate, provides useful
information, and makes friendly, encouraging comments. She
seems like a good team player and loyal employee.
However, Amy obviously wants to climb the
corporate ladder. Although there’s nothing wrong with that,
other coworkers say they have been backstabbed by her in the
past. She shows off her knowledge, points out others’ mistakes,
and makes a big deal of her workload.
This
self-promotion seems to have worked, because Amy has the trust
and confidence of management. Apparently, her antagonistic side
is seen only by her peers. When working with such a skillful
manipulator, how do you avoid being hurt by her tactics,
especially when management thinks so highly of her?
A:
You have found Amy to be pleasant and helpful, so
you should respond in
kind. Maintaining a good working relationship is important,
especially since she has influence with management.
Your
coworkers may be correct about Amy’s motives or they may just be
jealous. But given their warnings, you need to be cautious.
Don’t talk too freely with her or share information that could
come back to haunt you. To avoid backstabbing, get to know the
managers yourself, so that they have a first-hand opinion of
you.
If
you are also gazing wistfully up the corporate ladder, see what
you can learn from Amy’s success. To be promoted, you must
impress the higher-ups, and Amy seems to have cracked that code.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
“Dealing with
Enemies & Adversaries” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/enemies_&_adversaries.htm
“How to Impress
High-Level Managers” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/how_to_impress_high-level_managers.htm
back to top
I’m Never Invited to my
Co-Worker’s Parties
Q:
My
coworker is always telling me about the parties she hosts and
all the coworkers who attend. Recently, she showed me a
document she made that turned out to be an invitation to another
party. This hurts my feelings, because I’m never invited. I
don't know how to handle this. Any advice?
A:
Your
coworker is either deliberately unkind or dreadfully
insensitive. To shed light on her motives, ask yourself a few
questions. Is there any logical reason why you don’t fit into
this social group, like being in a different job or department?
Are you the only uninvited person or are others also left off
the guest list? Is this coworker angry with you for some
reason?
Several
strategies are available for addressing the situation. The
simplest is to stop engaging in these conversations. When the
social butterfly mentions a party, just smile and say “that’s
great, but I have to get back to work”. Then return to your
tasks.
Another
possibility is the direct approach. Tell your colleague that it
hurts your feelings to hear about parties from which you are
excluded. Ask why she keeps telling you about them.
Or you might stop
waiting to be invited and organize a social event of your own.
Then you can determine whether or not to invite the party girl.
Finally, remember
that these parties are only important because you choose to make
them so. Once you decide that this ill-mannered person and her
activities really don’t matter, your resentment may disappear.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
“Trust & Betrayal
at Work” at http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/trust%20and%20betrayal%20at%20work.htm
“Giving
Effective Feedback” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/giving_feedback.htm
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The “Gang of Guys” is Trying
to Sabotage Me
Q:
I was asked to take over a very difficult position for which I
had no background or training. My manager felt that I could do
the job because I learn quickly and am good at solving
problems. Since then, I have resolved a number of longstanding
issues, and my boss is pleased with my work.
My problem is that a group of guys who have been
here a long time are challenging me on every little thing. They
fail to respond to my requests, withhold information that I
need, and twist my words to make me look bad. My male
predecessor left because of their behavior, so I guess it’s not
just because I’m a woman.
These guys really want me to fail and are doing
everything possible to make that happen. I’ve tried making
peace by offering to help with their work, but that has only
made things worse. I think they see my olive branch as a sign
of weakness.
Lately, our two managers have decided that all
communication between me and the group should go through them.
This worries me, because I don't think it should be that way.
Any suggestions?
A:
Past success has taught your adversaries that sabotage can work,
so they’re trying it again. If the managers are aware of this
history, they may be controlling communication in order to
short-circuit these guerilla tactics.
Since your
colleagues have refused to cooperate willingly, you do need
management support. Be sure your boss understands the business
problems created by this oppositional behavior. And try to
develop a good relationship with the manager of the grouchy
guys. Against opponents like this, your best ammunition is a
strong connection to their boss.
If gender wars
seem to be part of the equation, try toughening up your
communication style. Guys operating in macho mode view
collaboration as weakness, so peacemaking may be
counterproductive. Being straightforward, direct, and
persistent is more likely to produce results with your
testosterone-laden coworkers.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
“Political
Pitfalls for Men & Women” at http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/political_pitfalls.htm
“Dealing with
Enemies & Adversaries” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/enemies_&_adversaries.htm
back to top
My Co-Worker Hasn't Spoken in
Six Weeks!
Q:
About
six weeks ago, my co-worker stopped speaking to me. She
socializes with everyone else, but does not acknowledge me at
all. When she has to communicate about work, she sends me an
email. I've asked her twice if there’s a problem, but she says
no.
Prior to this
behavior change, she was in my office every day, talking and
joking non-stop. She did this once before about two years ago.
How do I handle her attitude shift?
A:
Your childish colleague provides a classic example of
passive-aggressive behavior. Passive-aggressive types are
deeply afraid of conflict. Because direct communication scares
them, they send “messages” to convey their anger. Not speaking
is a common tactic.
Despite their
nonverbal expressions of hostility and resentment, these
petulant people steadfastly maintain that nothing is wrong,
thereby making it impossible to discuss the problem. The result
of this silly game is that the relationship deteriorates while
the underlying issue remains unresolved.
Your only hope of
progress lies in refusing to play the game. Instead of pleading
for an explanation, indicate that you know there’s a problem: “I can tell you’re upset
with me, and I have no idea why. I’d like to see if we can
resolve the issue. When could we find some time to talk?”
If
she takes you up on this offer, then you’ve ended the game. But
if she still insists that all is well, accept this as the truth:
“I’m so glad to hear that. For some reason I thought you were
mad at me.”
Then,
since she says nothing is wrong, you must act like nothing is
wrong. Smile, be friendly, and continue talking about work
issues. After awhile, she will probably return to normal
conversation. But if not, then she’s too dysfunctional to worry
about.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
“Trust & Betrayal
at Work” at http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/trustandbetrayalatwork.htm
“Conflict
Management Skills” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/conflict_management_skills.htm
back to top
My Co-Worker Keeps
Criticizing Me!
Q:
I have worked for a housepainter for 15 months. I am 47 and
have been painting for six years. I like the owner of the
business, but the problem is “Joe”, my coworker and foreman, who
criticizes me constantly. He is 34 and has worked here for five
years.
I almost quit a few months ago because of all the
criticism. When I met with the owner, he convinced me to stay,
even though Joe said I wasn’t a very good painter.
I’m the kind of person who needs to be
complimented or at least told that I am appreciated. Joe never
praises my work, and when he points out problems, he does it in
a judgmental style. He just thinks he’s God’s gift to
painting.
Now I feel
like I’m ready to quit again. Should I go back to the owner and
tell him how unhappy I am? Do I confront my coworker? Or just
keep quiet and look for another job? I refuse to have this guy
tell me how to paint any more.
A:
I believe a dose
of reality is called for here. You can talk all you want about
requiring compliments and refusing criticism, but for now you
are stuck with your painting partner. And if you quit without
another job, you’re the only one who suffers.
Complaining to management again might be hazardous, since you’ve
already had that conversation once. By encouraging you to stay,
the owner showed that he does value your work. If you go back
with more complaints, you risk looking like an overly sensitive
whiner.
Despite being younger, Joe is the foreman, so supervising your
work is part of his job. Confronting him could be viewed as
insubordinate. And besides, nothing you say is likely to change
him. So you are left with two options: either adapt or find a
work environment better suited to your personality.
If
you decide to stick it out, try to control your emotional
reactions and ignore Joe’s fault-finding. By allowing this guy
to push your buttons, you actually grant him a lot of power.
But if you keep your cool, then his derisive comments just
become background noise.
Although people like Joe appear arrogant, they are actually kind
of pathetic. Their haughty behavior masks a strong sense of
inadequacy. They put down others in order to feel better about
themselves. So when Joe points out flaws, simply smile, keep
painting, and quietly remind yourself that you are the more
mature person. Then be sure to act that way.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office Coach:
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Should I Trust my Ambitious
Co-Worker?
Q:
I’m not sure whether to trust one of my coworkers. When dealing
with me, “Amy” acts helpful and considerate, provides useful
information, and makes friendly, encouraging comments. She
seems like a good team player and loyal employee.
However, Amy
obviously wants to climb the corporate ladder. Although there’s
nothing wrong with that, other coworkers say they have been
backstabbed by her in the past. She shows off her knowledge,
points out others’ mistakes, and makes a big deal of her
workload.
This
self-promotion seems to have worked, because Amy has the trust
and confidence of management. Apparently, her antagonistic side
is seen only by her peers. When working with such a skillful
manipulator, how do you avoid being hurt by her tactics,
especially when management thinks so highly of her?
A:
You have found Amy to be pleasant and helpful, so
you should respond in
kind. Maintaining a good working relationship is important,
especially since she has influence with management.
Your
coworkers may be correct about Amy’s motives or they may just be
jealous. But given their warnings, you need to be cautious.
Don’t talk too freely with her or share information that could
come back to haunt you. To avoid backstabbing, get to know the
managers yourself, so that they have a first-hand opinion of
you.
If
you are also gazing wistfully up the corporate ladder, see what
you can learn from Amy’s success. To be promoted, you must
impress the higher-ups, and Amy seems to have cracked that code.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
My Co-Workers are Trying to
Sabotage Me
Q:
I was asked to take over a very difficult position for which I
had no background or training. My manager felt that I could do
the job because I learn quickly and am good at solving
problems. Since then, I have resolved a number of longstanding
issues, and my boss is pleased with my work.
My problem is that a group of guys who have been
here a long time are challenging me on every little thing. They
fail to respond to my requests, withhold information that I
need, and twist my words to make me look bad. My male
predecessor left because of their behavior, so I guess it’s not
just because I’m a woman.
These guys really want me to fail and are doing
everything possible to make that happen. I’ve tried making
peace by offering to help with their work, but that has only
made things worse. I think they see my olive branch as a sign
of weakness.
Lately, our two managers have decided that all
communication between me and the group should go through them.
This worries me, because I don't think it should be that way.
Any suggestions?
A:
Past success has taught your adversaries that sabotage can work,
so they’re trying it again. If the managers are aware of this
history, they may be controlling communication in order to
short-circuit these guerilla tactics.
Since your
colleagues have refused to cooperate willingly, you do need
management support. Be sure your boss understands the business
problems created by this oppositional behavior. And try to
develop a good relationship with the manager of the grouchy
guys. Against opponents like this, your best ammunition is a
strong connection to their boss.
If gender wars
seem to be part of the equation, try toughening up your
communication style. Guys operating in macho mode view
collaboration as weakness, so peacemaking may be
counterproductive. Being straightforward, direct, and
persistent is more likely to produce results with your
testosterone-laden coworkers.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
§
“Political Pitfalls for Men & Women” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/political_pitfalls.htm
§
“Dealing with Enemies & Adversaries” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/enemies_&_adversaries.htm
back to top
My Co-Worker Sleeps on the
Job
Q:
I am a
part-time horticulturist in a large hotel. My job is to keep
all the inside plants clean, watered, and disease free. I work
all night on the graveyard shift with another co-worker who does
the same job full time. He also goes to school and has two
part-time jobs.
The problem is
that my coworker uses this night shift position to sleep, so I
have to work twice as hard. Our boss is not here at night, so
he thinks this person is just the greatest. I don't want to be
a snitch, and I don't know if I would be believed anyway. What
should I do?
A:
First, ask your manager to clearly differentiate the duties of
these two jobs. Explain that the work can be done more
efficiently if you each have distinct responsibilities or a
specific territory to cover.
Then you must do
only your own job. If you stop covering for the sleepyhead,
your boss will eventually notice the dry, dusty foliage in his
area.
Your
other option is to make an appointment with Human Resources and
describe the problem just as you have here. Action is quite
likely to follow, since hotel management is not paying people to
snooze.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
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I Work With a Malicious
Suck-up
Q:
One of my coworkers always sucks up to management. Our boss is
so fond of him that people refer to them as “mother and son”.
This guy is not very competent and always blames others for his
mistakes. When some staff members complained about him, he told
our “motherly” manager that I had turned everyone against him.
She believed his story and refused to listen to any other
explanation.
The manager
used to give me special assignments, but now I get only routine
tasks. I have gathered evidence that she wants to harm my
career and may even be planning to lay me off. I’m very worried
about having to find another job. Should I talk with her and
explain that I am not the kind of person described by my suck-up
coworker?
A:
Talking with your boss is a good idea, but only if you focus on
the future, not the past. Complaining about the “son” will just
lead to an argument, since she’s incapable of seeing him
objectively.
Your goal is to
improve your own relationship with the boss, not sabotage your
smarmy colleague. Her fondness for him is irrelevant as long as
she thinks well of you. So don’t even mention the little
weasel. If she brings him up, find something positive to say.
Ask your manager
to help you create a plan for developing your skills or
expanding your knowledge. Express appreciation for previous
assignments and ask how you might contribute to such projects in
the future. Pay attention to any feedback she offers and agree
to make appropriate changes. You need to be seen as a helpful,
cooperative employee.
If your boss
refuses to participate in this discussion, you may want to begin
working on a job change strategy. Although you may never have
to implement it, at least you’ll be prepared should your worst
fears come to pass. .
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
I Work with a Bully!
Q:
I have a co-worker who constantly tries to bully me. She will
physically hover over me, back me up to my desk, or crowd me
against the wall. When I asked her to hold the door because my
arms were full of packages, she let the door shut in my face and
laughed about it.
She lies all the
time. And no matter what I say, she will contradict me. If I
say it’s raining, she will reply that it's not really raining
yet or that it's stopped raining now. She has treated others
like this in the past, so I think I'm just fresh meat to her.
I've tried
ignoring this woman, avoiding being in close spaces with her,
and even not going though doors when she's around. I want to
deprive her of the sick thrill of annoying me, but I can't
always avoid her. What can I do?
A:
Your
intimidating colleague is more than annoying. She sounds
emotionally disturbed. So where the heck is your boss? And
your HR manager? Someone needs to put an end to this reign of
terror.
Since you are not
the first person to be persecuted by this bully, you should band
with previous victims and take the problem to management. Group
action will enhance your credibility and increase the odds that
the issue will be addressed.
Meanwhile,
continue to keep your distance and minimize interaction. Do not
respond to her contradictory remarks, ignore the lies unless
they are about you, and never ask her to hold a door or assist
you in any way. Observe how others deal with her and emulate
behaviors that seem to work.
When you must be
around her, don’t be a wimp. Submissiveness only encourages
aggressive people to become more aggressive. So never let her
see that she disturbs you.
If she physically
crowds you, stand your ground and don’t retreat. Should she
persist, tell her to move back. You might even take a step in
her direction. But don’t touch her, because that could escalate
into a physical altercation.
If you refuse to
be intimidated, your tormentor will eventually seek out more
timid prey. But going to management should be your first
strategy, because this woman really does appear to be somewhat
off balance.
.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
§
“Killing Off Your Energy Leeches” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/killing_off_your_energy_leeches.htm
§
“Thirteen Signs of a Toxic Workplace” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/toxic_workplace.htm
back to top
My Co-Worker Constantly Talks
About Herself
Q.
We
have a lady in our office whose only topic of conversation is
herself. She talks constantly about her aches and pains, her
house, her financial situation, her family problems, and her
pets.
She doesn't even watch the news, so she knows
nothing about current events. If you start to say something
about what you did over the weekend, she always turns the
conversation back to her troubles.
I’ve got my own problems, but I have to listen to
hers for as much as an hour at a time. Some days I just want to
scream. Many people in the office feel the same way and are
starting to avoid her. She is our boss’s assistant, so no one
wants to complain. Any advice?
A.
The
true source of your problem lies in the phrase “I have to
listen”. No, you do not. You’re allowing yourself to be
trapped by a self-centered, narcissistic chatterbox. She may
enjoy regaling you with her tales of woe, but you really don’t
have to keep listening.
By giving this
woman your attention, you are rewarding her behavior. And any
behavior that is rewarded will continue. If you’ve been
suffering in silence, she may actually believe you’re
interested.
To turn off this
continuous monologue, you don’t have to be rude. Just smile
regretfully and say, “I wish I had time to chat, but I really
have to get back to work.” Then turn to your computer or start
reading some documents. Make this your mantra and eventually
she’ll get the message.
You might also
consider joining the ranks of those who avoid her. Unless you
are tethered to this blabbermouth by your tasks, you have no
obligation to spend time in her presence.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
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I Foolishly Flirted with my
New Co-Worker
Q.
When a
new guy joined our department last year, there was a definite
attraction between the two of us. But after we had a
disagreement about work, he became very cautious around me.
Recently, we had to travel together on some
three-day trips, and I was quite apprehensive about how things
would go. Although the work went fine, I found myself acting
like a silly school girl and trying to sit closer to him
whenever we were together. He was also sitting close, but
seemed very controlled about what he said to me.
Now that we
are back at the office, I feel stupid about my childish
actions. I sent him an email to say that I enjoyed his company
and hope he did not object to my behavior. But instead of
feeling better, I now feel worse than ever. Please help me
salvage this working relationship, because we have to spend a
lot of time together.
A.
I don’t know how far this “attraction” went, but
at this point you need to let it go. Your coworker is clearly
signaling that the relationship has changed, so forget your past
flirtation and focus on the job.
When
you’re around your former heartthrob, simply act as you would
with any other male business associate. Don’t become playfully
flirtatious or talk about previous romantic encounters. If you
continue to behave like a mature and businesslike colleague, the
whole episode will eventually recede into the past.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
My Co-Workers Accuse Me of
Flirting
Q:
People at work seem to think that I’m a flirt.
My husband and I are happily married, and in my own mind I’m
not flirting with anyone. I’m just a naturally friendly person
who likes people. But I know that in reality it doesn't matter
what I think I’m doing if other people think I’m flirting. Do
you have any advice about behavior to watch out for?
A:
Some women flirt to get attention. Others find
flirting to be a useful strategy for getting things they want.
And gregarious and sociable types may simply appear to be
flirting. But regardless of the cause, flirtatious behavior can
produce unintended consequences, ranging from unwelcome
invitations to stalking.
To
determine whether your friendly actions qualify as flirting,
apply this simple test: do you communicate with men exactly the
same way that you communicate with women? If you smile, laugh,
and flip your hair when talking with the guys, but adopt a more
businesslike attitude with female colleagues, then that’s a
pretty good clue.
For a
more objective assessment, ask some trusted friends or coworkers
for feedback. If you are sending unintended messages, they will
undoubtedly be able to describe the problem behaviors in
detail.
To
change these perceptions, you must interact with men and women
in the same way. Try to eliminate any verbal or nonverbal
behaviors that might be viewed as a come-on. But don’t lose
your outgoing personality, because friendliness is a great asset
in all working relationships. Marie McIntyre
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
§
“Dangerous Workplace Romances” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/romance_at_work.htm
§
“Political Pitfalls for Men & Women” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/political_pitfalls.htm
back to top
Should we make Mr. Bighead
employee-of-the-month?
Q:
Every month, our company asks each work team to select one
member as most outstanding. That person gets to use a choice
parking space for several weeks. One of my coworkers keeps
complaining that we never choose him, but the reason is that he
annoys everyone with his huge ego. Another colleague suggested
that maybe we should just go ahead and nominate him to shut him
up. The rest of us feel that this would cause his big head to
become even more inflated. What do you think?
A:
I’m with you. Your self-centered coworker should not receive
recognition that he doesn’t deserve, especially since he seems
to be campaigning for it.
Making him
team-member-of-the-month will only encourage his aggravating
behavior. And management will get the message that you think
he’s a helpful colleague, when the reverse is actually true. So
give the reward to a more worthy candidate.
However, you
might consider having a supervisor or tactful team member tell
Mr. Big-Head why he’s never selected. He may not be aware that
his self-promoting behavior turns everyone off.
Marie McIntyre
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
§
“Helpful Skills for Team Members” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/helpful_skills.htm
§
“What Role Do You Take on a Team?” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/what_role.htm
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My Co-Worker Doesn’t Speak
Q:
I have a co-worker who never says "Good morning". She claims
she is not a morning person, but I think it’s just a sorry
excuse for bad behavior. I am tired of initiating the morning
conversations and just plain tired of her "I'm better than you"
personality. What should I do?
A:
Sorry to sound
unsympathetic, but I think you’re making way too much of this.
If this coworker prefers not to talk, then don’t talk to her.
When you see her in the morning, just smile and walk on by.
Some
people are more friendly and outgoing than others. You appear
to be someone who likes to speak to people, and your coworker
appears to be someone who is more quiet and reserved.
This
may not mean that she thinks she’s better than you. It may just
mean that she likes to be quiet. In fact, it actually sounds as
though you think you’re better than she is because you speak to
people.
Since
you know she’s not going to respond, why bother to initiate a
conversation? And if you continue to let her silence irritate
you, that says more about you than it does about her.
If
this is the biggest problem you have at work, then you’re pretty
lucky. Marie McIntyre
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
?
“How to
Deal with Childish Adults” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/how_to_deal_with_childish_adults.htm
?
“Do You
Annoy Your Coworkers?” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/do_you_annoy.htm
back to top
My Colleague Keeps Yelling at
Me
Q:
I work with a woman who yells at me when she’s angry and seems
incapable of discussing anything calmly. It’s like she has an
on-and-off switch for yelling. She is all sweetness and light
to the managers, but very immature and unprofessional with me.
I don't trust her and feel sure that she bad-mouths me to our
mutual boss.
How do I handle her so that her behavior becomes
more professional and mature? And how do I thwart her attempts
at sabotage? Also, it appears that our manager may be leaving
the company. Senior management has talked to me about taking
over the manager role should that happen.
A:
If you have been approached about a promotion, you must be
handling this situation pretty well. Or at least management
thinks so. Should you become the screamer’s boss, then you will
have the leverage to address her performance problems. At the
moment, however, you can only deal with her as a colleague.
When people throw
tantrums, the problem can be approached either directly or
indirectly. The indirect strategy requires that you not react
to her childish behavior. Until she calms down, you don’t
respond at all. Or you say “Perhaps we should talk about this
when you’re feeling less upset.” And then leave immediately.
To take a more
direct approach, do not blame or criticize. Instead, tell her
how this behavior affects you and how you plan to deal with it
from now on. For example: “You know, I don’t respond well to
yelling, so in the future, when you get angry, I’m going to have
to leave. We can talk later when we are both calm.” Then
whenever she starts screeching, go somewhere else.
If you believe
that this coworker is maliciously spreading lies or rumors, then
by all means set the record straight. Ask your manager about
the things that concern you, then provide accurate information
to everyone involved.
If you have a
helpful boss, you might also ask for advice: “Mary seems to get
upset very easily. She goes from zero to angry in about ten
seconds. What do you think I could do to improve my working
relationship with her?” Even if your manager has no
suggestions, you will have conveyed that Mary is a problem
without sounding like a whiner yourself. Marie McIntyre
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
§
“How to Deal with Childish Adults” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/how_to_deal_with_childish_adults.htm
§
“Do
You Annoy Your Coworkers?” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/do_you_annoy.htm
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Should I report my coworker
to the boss?
Q:
A woman in our office takes extended lunches. She’ll be gone
for an hour at lunchtime, then come back and heat up food to eat
at her desk. She also makes a lot of personal calls. My boss
does not like confrontation, but he always wants me to talk with
him about any issues I may have. Should I tell my manager what
this coworker is doing?
A:
Managers want to resolve work problems, not referee employee
squabbles. So if you go to your boss, you must do so in the
right spirit. The spirit we’re looking for is “concern for the
business”, not “she doesn’t work as hard as I do”.
Consider whether
your colleague’s behavior is adversely affecting office
effectiveness. Does eating at her desk present a bad image to
customers? Does she tie up the phones so people can’t get
through? Do others have to answer her calls while she’s
chatting up her friends?
To avoid sounding
like a tattletale, talk to your boss about the business issues:
“I think we may have a potential customer problem.
Mindy seems to be on the phone a lot with personal matters, so
the rest of us are taking her calls. When all the lines are
busy, more customers go to voice mail, and I’m afraid they’re
going to start complaining.”
Once you’ve
informed your manager about the situation, he can decide whether
or not he wants to address it. If he chooses to ignore your
coworker’s behavior, then you need to let it go and focus on
your own work. When a situation is out of your control,
continuing to fret about it is just a waste of emotional energy.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
§
“Giving Effective Feedback” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/giving_feedback.htm
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My Co-Worker Attacked My
Character
Q.
One of
my coworkers recently told me that I am controlling the entire
office. She says that she should be the lead worker even though
our positions are the same. In the heat of her frustration, she
also said that I treat her like crap and act like a bitch. How
do I handle this situation?
A.
The short answer is that you need to ignore her
as much as possible and focus on your work. By “ignore”, I
don't mean stop speaking to her. Just don’t react to her
hurtful and unproductive comments. Remain businesslike, be
pleasant and professional, and never respond in kind. In short,
be the adult in this situation.
But
here’s the longer answer: you also need to take a long, hard
look in the mirror to see if her comments might have some
validity. Although she’s expressing herself in an angry,
childish manner, this coworker is offering you some feedback.
So you might as well see if there is anything to be learned from
it.
Here
are some questions to consider: Do you have a tendency to tell
others what to do? Do you correct their work even though you’re
not their boss? Do you ever act like the “office police” with
regard to rules or policies? If you answer “yes” – or even
“maybe” – to any of these questions, then you may want to make
some changes. And if you’re not sure, solicit feedback from
your other colleagues.
One
final word of advice: unless things really get out of control,
don't go to your boss about this office bickering. Managers
hate dealing with little squabbles between coworkers and really
appreciate employees who resolve matters on their own. Marie
McIntyre
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
§
“How to Deal with Childish Adults” at http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/how_to_deal_with_childish_adults.htm
§
“Political Pitfalls for Men and Women” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/political_pitfalls.htm
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I’m Not Part of the Team
Q.
I’m
having trouble with the people on my team. I just want to focus
on my work, but my coworkers like to laugh and chat and gossip
all the time. They tease people and call them names for fun,
but I don’t think the names they call me are very funny. I
would like to stand up for myself, but I have to be careful
about what I say. I’m thinking about asking my boss to move me
to another team. I don't know those people very well, but it
seems quieter there. He thinks we are one big happy group, so
I’m not sure what reason to give him. Do you think I should
move or just live with it?
A.
From
your description, I’m not sure whether your coworkers are trying
to be mean or simply have a rowdy sense of humor. If their
name-calling includes offensive terms, such as racial or ethnic
slurs, then that’s completely inappropriate. But if they just
like to give people nicknames, then they may be treating you as
one of the group.
I don’t know
enough to say whether or not you should change teams. But you
do need to learn more about the other group before asking to
switch. You want to be sure that the new situation will really
be better.
If you do ask to
move, try not to complain about your coworkers unless they are
doing something truly inappropriate. Since your boss views this
as a happy team, you don’t want him to decide that you may be a
problem. So it will be better if you have a business reason for
requesting the change.
Possible business
reasons might include a better use of your skills or making a
good career move. Or you could simply say that being in a
quieter location will help concentrate on work.
If you decide to
stay put, however, try to improve your relationship with your
team members. Unless they intend to be cruel, they may have no
idea that they are hurting your feelings. So you need to either
let them know or learn to adjust to their joking, chatty work
style.
This is an
important decision, so you are smart to carefully consider your
options. I hope that whatever you decide works well for you. Marie
McIntyre
Helpful
links related to this topic on Your Office Coach:
§
“Understanding Work Style Differences” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/work_style_differences.htm
§
“Giving Effective Feedback” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/giving_feedback.htm
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How do I get coworkers to
stop smoking?
Q:
I don't smoke, but three other people in my office do, including
my boss. He smokes outside, but the other two do not. As soon
he is not looking, they light up. I have asked my boss to tell
them to smoke outside like he does, but he hates confrontations
and never says anything. In my state, smoking inside a business
is against the law. How can I take care of this problem without
getting my boss in trouble?
A:
Too bad that
people don’t automatically obey the law, isn’t it? The fact
that your boss smokes outside at least shows that he does
understand the problem, although he isn't helping to solve it.
Unfortunately, I don’t have a magic solution, but here are a
couple of suggestions.
Since
your boss avoids confrontation, you might suggest a
non-confrontational strategy. Instead of asking him to crack
down on your coworkers, see if he will call a meeting where all
of you can agree on a smoking policy. Point out that you have
three concerns: (1) your own health as a non-smoker, (2) the
fact that the business could get in legal trouble, and (3) the
problems that might arise if customers or higher level managers
see people smoking in the building. If your boss agrees to the
meeting, then come prepared with some specific suggestions.
However, if your boss is no help at all, then you must deal
directly with your coworkers. Instead of getting angry, present
your concerns and ask for their cooperation. Here’s an example:
“I know that everyone else here smokes and I don’t, and I
know that I can’t tell anyone else what to do. But I’d like to
ask you a favor. I really do worry about breathing second-hand
smoke, so I would appreciate it if you could smoke somewhere
else when I’m around.” When you can’t tell people what to
do, politely asking for their help will sometimes work.
Of
course, your coworkers may continue to be jerks and your boss
may continue to be a wimp. In that case, you have three
choices: 1) just go along and try to stay as far away from the
smoke as possible, 2) call in the “smoking police” and report
them for breaking the law (which might endanger your job), or 3)
try to find work with a more law-abiding group. This isn't a
particularly pleasant set of choices, so I hope you are able to
work out a cooperative solution. Marie McIntyre
Helpful
links related to this topic on Your Office Coach:
§
“Giving Effective Feedback” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/giving_feedback.htm
§
“Conflict Management Skills” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/conflict_management_skills.htm
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How Do You Stop Singing Co-Workers?
Q: How do you get coworkers to stop singing in their
cubicles? This is a professional office and singing just
doesn’t seem very appropriate. Besides, the noise is driving
me nuts!
A. Well, you could send them off to American Idol auditions.
But darn it, those are already over. So I guess we’ll have
to look for another solution.
Your singing colleagues probably don’t mean to be annoying –
they’re just being themselves. Some people enjoy background
noise and chatter, while others find it terribly
distracting. When these two types work together, they often
irritate each other.
To resolve the matter, someone obviously has to talk to the
songbirds. The logical nominees for this honor would be
either you or their manager. If you choose the
do-it-yourself option, bring up the subject in a pleasant,
friendly manner – not with anger or frustration. A
communication technique called “I-statements” can help to
set a positive tone.
With an I-statement, your goal is not to criticize the other
person, but to describe the problem you are having. Here’s
an example for this situation: “I have a favor to ask. I
have a hard time concentrating when there’s background
noise, and even though your singing is very cheerful, it’s
distracting for me. I would appreciate it if the singing
could be limited to break times.”
If the idea of a direct conversation makes you feel queasy,
then ask the manager for help. Describe how the singing
affects your own work and mention any other business
concerns – for example, the impression that might be made on
customers or other visitors to the office. Make this a
problem-solving conversation, not a gripe session.
With the proper approach, you may be able to curtail the
singing, but don’t expect complete silence. If your
colleagues are chatterboxes by nature, singing may be
replaced with talking. And if you are naturally quiet, that
may continue to annoy you. With luck, though, you might at
least reduce the volume.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office Coach:
“Giving Effective Feedback” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/giving_feedback.htm
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Tired of a Tardy
Co-Worker
Q:
I have a co-worker who takes advantage of a nice boss who is
not a micro-manager. “Bob” regularly comes in quite late,
so the rest of us answer his phone. Recently, one of his
callers had a problem that I couldn’t solve, so I asked the
boss when Bob would be coming in. Now Bob’s giving me the
silent treatment, so I assume the boss said something to
him. We used to be friendly, but now we avoid each other.
Should I ask Bob why he isn’t talking to me?
A:
Let’s be
clear about one thing. Bob is not the only problem here.
Your “nice boss who is not a micromanager” is also at
fault. By failing to address this ongoing performance
issue, he is completely wimping out on his management
responsibilities. So he may be a nice person, but he is not
a good manager.
Secondly, you and your coworkers are totally reinforcing
Bob’s bad behavior. If you continue to answer his calls,
why on earth do you expect him to change? He gets to sleep
late, have an extra cup of coffee, then come in to find that
his work is being nicely taken care of. This seems to be
working quite well for him. So stop doing his job when he’s
not there!
Instead of asking Bob why he’s shunning you, get the whole
group to meet with him about the difficulties created by his
tardiness. Keep in mind that he may be unaware of the
problem, since no one has previously said anything about it.
So politely educate him about what happens when he is late
and let him know that you are tired of doing his work.
There’s strength in numbers, so if everyone participates,
Bob can’t get mad at any one person.
If this fails to do the trick, then go as a group to your
nice manager. Or you could all just agree to start coming
in at the same time as Bob. That should get the message
across to your boss!
One final word: should you fail to address the situation,
then you should never again complain about Bob. If you’re
afraid to discuss the problem, then you’re choosing to live
with it. And that would be your fault, not Bob’s.
Marie
McIntyre
Helpful
links related to this topic on Your Office Coach:
§
“Giving Effective Feedback” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/giving_feedback.htm
§
“Conducting a Coaching Discussion” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/conducting_coaching.htm
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My Co-Worker Has a
Filthy Mouth!
Q:
How do you handle a coworker who constantly uses foul
language in a professional office? I’ve hinted to her that
I don’t like it, but that did no good. I talked with her
manager and HR, but they seem to be taking it as a
"tattletale" situation. Do I just have to learn to live
with the four-letter words?
A:
A constant
stream of curses certainly isn’t pleasant for coworkers and,
if there are customers around, may also be bad for
business. In fact, 91% of those responding to a recent
survey felt that using profanity was the rudest thing to do
at work.
However, since you aren’t this person’s boss, you obviously
can’t tell her what to do. And the person who is her boss
apparently doesn’t see the situation the same way you do.
So you need a different strategy.
Here’s one possibility: If other colleagues are offended,
you might enlist them in drafting some professional
standards that include not just language, but all aspects of
office behavior (dress, telephone protocol, etc.). Then
make a proposal to management or HR for adopting a “Code of
Conduct”. To sell the idea, stress the need to make a
positive impression on customers or visitors.
But if you are the only one concerned about this, then you
are obviously working with a group whose standards differ
from your own. In that case, your choice may be to live
with it or find people with similar values. Of course, you
don’t say what words bother you. There is a big difference
between the occasional “damn” or “hell” and some of the more
colorful expletives.
Let me also comment on why you may be viewed as a
“tattletale”. Sorry, but I think it’s because that’s
actually what you did. You only “hinted” to your coworker
before ratting her out to management. So you apparently
took the coward’s way out and avoided a direct
conversation.
If you do decide to approach her directly, don’t attack her,
but focus on your own discomfort. Here’s an example: “I
know you may think this is silly, but four-letter words make
me very uncomfortable. They don’t bother everyone, but they
really do bother me. I would greatly appreciate it if you
could tone down the language when I’m around.” This
approach may be your only alternative if no one else finds
her offensive. And if you make it a request instead of a
criticism, she might just surprise you. Marie
McIntyre
Helpful
links related to this topic on Your Office Coach:
§
“Giving Effective Feedback” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/giving_feedback.htm
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Fed Up with an
Unappreciative Slacker
Q:
I work with a very disorganized supervisor. I am an
administrative assistant, and my immediate boss is also this
supervisor’s boss. He is often late with reports and is now
two months overdue with his performance evaluations. I’ve
tried to remind him about deadlines, but he usually ignores
me. I’m about ready to stop helping and let him hang
himself, but that is not my true nature. Because I’m very
organized, I would be glad to assist him if he would only
ask. My immediate boss is extremely unhappy with him, but
I’m not sure the supervisor knows this. What should I do
now?
A:
Based
on your description, this aggravating guy is not actually
interfering with your own work. You just find him annoying
and feel that he should be more responsible. So let me
suggest that this is his problem, not yours. And if he gets
in trouble, it will be due to his own incompetence, not your
failure to fix him.
You are
obviously a very conscientious and organized person, but I’m
sure you’ve noticed that many other people are not. (This
often comes as a sad surprise to conscientious people.) You
might as well learn to tolerate these chaotic souls unless
they begin to make your own job more difficult.
You say that
you are about ready to stop helping him. Well, okay.
That’s fine. There is absolutely no reason why you should
be doing his work. You say that you would gladly assist “if
he would only ask”, but apparently he hasn’t. So why stress
yourself out over this?
Finally, let
me point out that your boss is apparently not taking care of
his own management responsibilities. Holding this guy
accountable is part of your manager’s job. If your boss is
unhappy with his work, then he needs to talk to him about
it. I can assure you that this supervisor will never change
as long as his boss puts up with his poor performance. But,
of course, that’s not really your problem either.
Your
willingness to help is commendable, but you just can’t fix
everything. After all, you’re not paid to be his Mom. But
your boss is paid to be his boss. Marie McIntyre
Ph.D.
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The Good-Looking Ladder Climber
